Happy 62nd Birthday!

I don’t very often write anymore – it used to be a daily thing but now it’s sporadic, on special occasions.

I think you were here tonight. Reminding me that love never dies, that we don’t disappear into nothingness, that we are energy.

Your doc once told me that we are not human beings on a spiritual path, we are spiritual beings on a human path and I believe that. Just as I believe that tonight, in the bright red hair I saw at the pool, you were reminding me that you’re still around.

My life is good. My life has amazing things happening. I have amazing people in my life. I miss you and our life but my life now is my future.

but i miss you.

Seeing those kids, both with shocking red hair, reminded me of you, our kids, and the cute little curly red haired girl we had wanted. It reminded me of the things we will never have, the life we will never live and the dreams that will never come true.

You would be tickled pink to have all the grandkids you do. I would have loved to share them with you.

Ryan is an amazing Grandpa though. I think you’d like him. So many people I wish you could have met but I wouldn’t know if you were still here. This is the connundrum of being a widow and having an amazing post-you life.

Happy Birthday. I still find it hard to believe that I hit 50 and you never got to. I am grateful for the life I am living and hope that I am honouring you in how I am living it.

Holy Shit 50!!

It occurs to me as I hit 50 and have embarked on a serious weight loss program that I might want to revive this. I doubt there’s many followers left and those who got it by email will either have a WTF? moment or it will go straight to spam.

That’s ok. It was never about followers anyhow. It was always about me and my journey.

And my journey has been full of twists and turns and bumps and potholes… but here I am. 50 years old, not at my goal weight, but having experienced so much that I’m not surprised I’m not there yet.

50 was a hard one for me for two reasons. First, my late husband never got the chance to celebrate 50. The running joke for years was that he would be 50 before I was 40 and now here I am 50 and he died at 49. Second, it was the lamest non-birthday celebration ever. I had hoped for something, not spectacular, but something. In the end, I got a fantastically thoughtfull gift from my husband and inlaws, my kids barely acknowledged it and only 1 friend suggested we do anything. Even the friends who don’t miss anything and we don’t miss anything of theirs didn’t come out for appies with us – there was a miscommunication there and so yeah. I was feeling hurt and forgotten.

But here I am, 50. I’m working in health care, I see all the people at their worst, and I’m terrified of ending up like them. I even had a patient say to me that I needed to take care of myself and lose the weight because she wished she had and the way she was living wasn’t worth it. And as I watched them ship her to ICU… I realized that yes, I have to do something.

So, I talked to my doctor, and I have started on Ozempic. Now, before y’all come at me about how it’s a diabetes drug blah blah blah… I know that. I also know that if I don’t lose the weight I WILL have diabetes. I WILL have heart issues. I WILL have all the medical conditions that have my patients in hospital wishing they’d done something about their weight and health when they were younger.

Ozempic is not only a drug to treat diabetes, it’s a very effective drug at preventing diabetes. Diet and exercise don’t work. I have too much cortisol in my body because of all the stress I’ve been going through in the past 13 years. Need a rundown?

Hubby got sick and spent 6 months in ICU. Hubby died. Moved to another town and had to start over with no support system. Broke up with the guy I moved there for. Went back to school. Got a job in health care. Met a new guy. Graduated. New guy and I were fairly rocky for a while but got married. Wedding. Start of kid’s medical diagnoses. They have autism, adhd, epilepsy, brain cancer and they are transgender. We’ve been to the Neuro hospital 2x in 4 years for craniotomies. I went back to school. Hubby changed jobs. COVID. Bought a house. My own mental health issues. Finances.

I think that’s it. But along the way there were kid issues (i have 4 of them) Grandkids (in July there will be 8 of them) and learning to navigate a new marriage while still missing the old one.

Exercise and diet was not enough. I was slowly dying from stress which was causing me to gain weight with each new issue. At my highest, I was 291lbs. Today I am 283lbs. In 1 month I have lost 8lbs and I haven’t changed much except I started on Oz.

Now that my body is starting to feel better, now that I’m starting to be able to move more, I am incorporating movement into my day. Concurrently, i am also adjjusting what I eat. Not because I’m making the conscious choice to do so, but because I can’t eat much, and if I eat junk or proccessed food, my body rebels.

Ozempic works. It doesn’t work for everyone and not everyone will see fantastic losses but it works for me. And it is not a lifelong drug for me. The plan is to lose enough that I can exercise on the regular, that I’m eating healthy about 80% of the time and then wean off it.

I will not be ashamed or embarrassed for doing what’s best for me and my body and my life. I am not taking away from anyone – I am doing my best to prevent me from needing it for different reasons.

For the record? I was adamantly opposed to any medical interventions for weight loss. I used to think it was just diet and exercise and willpower and that I didn’t have that going on for me. Now… I stop eating when I’m full and I have no brain chatter that tells me to eat more. It is a blessing and a relief to not always be thinking about eating and junk food.

I hope you’re willing to join me on my journey and help celebrate my 50”s and beyond as I work towards being healthy in my twilight years. If not? feel free to pass on by my blog. I will just delete any comments that are not supportive. I don’t have the mental energy to argue with you and I don’t want that negative energy to detract from my successses.

MIA

It has been over a year since I’ve written in either of my blogs.

I wonder if there’s a correlation between the lack of writing and lack of focus on these blogs and the weight gain. Probably.

In the past year plus, I have gained approximately 15lbs.

I have managed to maintain my mobility, but my weight and the amount of “fluffy” on my body has changed.

Currently, I do yoga 2x a week, I play slo-pitch every so often, and I haven’t been on roller skates in a couple years. I may pull them out of storage today and try them on. No where to skate though 😦

What I know is that I can’t live this way. I can’t continue to gain weight and get fluffier and get more sore and lose more mobility. I mean, I can, but I won’t allow myself to.

Once upon a time I told someone to “kill me if I ever get that fat” and now here I am, “that fat” plus 40lbs.

Today I will focus on rediscovering myself. Eating healthy. Working out. Just keeping my motivation up for today. I will focus on making a plan for how I keep my motivation up every day, but mostly just for today. All I have is today.

I am changing my language around my choices.

I don’t have to “make time” to do anything. I have to PRIORITIZE my time. I have time to work out. I have time to meal plan. I have time to cook.

I have not been prioritizing that and now I will.

It’s about choices – and I’m sure I’ve made a post about this before – but I’m not where I was then. I’m here, I have today, and for today I choose to prioritize my health and well-being.

Who I Used to Be

Half Size Me, the community I joined, puts out a TONNE of free content. My favourite is the less-than-10-minutes videos on YouTube. She has videos on almost EVERY weight loss/management question you could ask, and all fairly find-able. She recently started on a series called “How My Thinking Leads to Eating” which talks about how the two different parts of your brain compete for control over what happens in your day.

Recently, there was a roller derby scrimmage near me. Many of my friends were in attendance. I couldn’t go – I was working and I recently hurt my ankle which has me off my feet for the time being. No running, no walking, and DEFINITELY no skating.

I looked at all the amazing pictures. I cried. I realized in that moment that I’m not done with derby but I’m very much afraid that my body will not ever get back there. Which led to emotional eating, of a small sort. It’s funny how “SOMETHING’s WRONG BECAUSE I’M OVERWEIGHT” happens and then instead of going for a walk or workout or something healthy – my brain defaults to “EAT BECAUSE FOOD MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD.”

Except it doesn’t. I feel crappy when I’m bloated and my clothes don’t fit right and I can’t walk up stairs without sucking wind and and and….

But my lower brain tells me I it will. (spoiler alert: lower brain lies)

So I’m looking at these pictures. Remembering when I played roller derby. Berating myself in my head because “I used to play. I was pretty good. Not great, but a solid player and getting better. I used to be fitter. I used to be…”

I used to be this chick getting her ass in front of other players.

I’m not right now. I think I’d be back at the big gangly person who couldn’t stay on skates for a full 5 minutes. Not quite that bad, but close.

So last night new content is uploaded to the YouTube channel and I’m like… I’ll listen to that tomorrow.

So I did. Listen to it this morning that is. You should listen too. I’ll wait. Here ya go. “I Used To Be”

Listened to it? Good.

How freaky is that? It’s almost like she was in my head, listening to me say, “WHY AM I NOT WHO I WAS?”

That girl up there? She had a different life. She worked 9-5. She didn’t know what a pandemic was. She had lost her hubby recently and was using roller derby as a way to cope with still being alive when he wasn’t. She wasn’t in school. She wasn’t a nurse. She didn’t have a kid with a brain tumour, epilepsy, autism and who was transgender. She had maybe one grandchild – possibly two but neither lived near her and were old enough to ask to come to play at “Lala’s” house. She hadn’t yet met the man who would be come her new husband.

I can’t go back to who I used to be. She’s gone.

All I can do is create the life I want that fits around who I AM.

I am a nurse (although I’m currently off due to injury)

I am a student, taking 2 courses this semester.

I am a wife again. My husband is amazingly supportive and incredible in so many ways.

I am a grandma to 4 amazing little people.

I am the mother of a special needs person who has had brain surgery and has seizures and has trouble processing things and who is waiting on another surgery for other, more personal reasons.

I am 35lbs heavier than that person up there.

I am a person creating a life with habits that will move me towards my goals.

I’m not who I used to be. And in listening to that video, there’s a sense of relief because I don’t HAVE to be who I used to be.

I can just be who I am. I can love and embrace the woman I see in the mirror and be the best person she can be.

If that means I get to play roller derby again? It’s because I created the habits that allowed me to do so.

If I don’t ever play again? It’s because I chose to create habits that didn’t prioritize roller derby.

And either scenario is ok. I get to choose. I get to set the path in motion.

Me after climbing a stupid steep mountain to get this amazing view.

The Right Shoes

The right shoes make all the difference.

For years. YEARS! I tell you… I have been buying Walmart $30-40 runners as my indoor shoes. Not the cheapest ones. Not the most expensive ones. The middle of the road ones.

My treadmill is old. I got it 2nd hand from a family member 10? 15? years ago. I have hang ups about working out in public/around other people so I don’t run outside and I walk outside usually only when I’ve got someone with me.

So for years I have been trying to walk/run in my cheap Walmart shoes on my old treadmill.

I want to be a runner. I want to run 5k. I want a new treadmill and the agreement with my hubby is that I get one when I can run a 5k. So I’m trying to do the C25K in these cheap Walmart shoes so that I can get my new treadmill.

The problem? The problem is that I’m 285lbs and walking 20 mins makes my hips and knees scream at me.

So I dread my treadmill.

I can’t justify in my mind buying the new one until I can run 5k.

So 3 weeks ago – I spent $200 on a pair of Brooks Ghost 14.

They sat on my table downstairs near my workout space.

Still in the box.

Unworn.

2 weeks later I saw them on the table and thought… maybe I should return them.

Except I didn’t. And they sat there for a while more

Until this week. I’ve joined the Half Size Me community. There’s a challenge that started yesterday about building habits to support your goals. My habit for this week is to walk 15 minutes minimum every day. Preferably outside with my dog, but I’ll do it on the treadmill.

So yesterday, I struggled with my 15 mins, but I got them done.

Today? Today I had a bit of energy and ambition and thought to myself… why don’t I try the C25K and see how far I can get?

Run 6 of 8 and I’m like.. I am almost done. I can finish this. 7 of 8 and I’m like… oh hey! almost done. 8 of 8 and I’m thinking… I’m melting and dying… can I finish? And then it was done.

I did the whole C25K.

My hips, they don’t really hurt. The right hip has a slight ache but it’s ok.

My knees? They’re mostly fine. Right one aches more than the hip but it’s tolerable.

I blame the shoes. It was like walking/running on a cloud. I could not believe how much nicer it was to run on those rather than the Walmart crap shoes.

If this is what it’s like running on good shoes, I’m going to keep buying good shoes. Because for the first time, I can see myself running without pain and that means that I can get to the 5k and that means I’ll get my new treadmill.

The right shoes make all the difference. Buy the expensive ones. See someone at the local running store and get fitted appropriately. Because your feet, your knees, your hips… they will thank you and you will be able to run further than you thought you would be able to.

I did.

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Forward Movement

I struggle with all or nothing.

This is not just in the facet of my life… but everywhere. I struggle with it being ok if I only workout 3 or 4 times a week or even just once a week.

I struggle with just having one cookie.

I struggle with starting a program then giving up because I couldn’t keep up because I work stupid long hours and it’s OKAY to take 2 days off each week when everyone around me is going hard.

I struggle with feeling less than when I have people on my timeline talking about how there’s no excuses and no giving up which feeds into the all or nothing, I’m doing it all or I’m failing mindset.

Today… I’m behind in a workout program I’m doing.

It’s ok. I did yesterday’s. I did a 30 min walk (I get a new treadmill if I can run 5k people!!! The walk is important!!!) And then I found a fan to sit my sweaty self in front of because it’s ok that I’m behind a day and haven’t walked for 3 days.

Because some movement is still forward movement. And THAT is what’s important.

I Almost Bailed… on myself.

I’m doing this for myself. No one else. There were all sorts of excuses today.

The young adults in the basement.

The studying I had to do.

The moving of furniture.

My mental breakdown.

And then the kids were out of the basement, everyone was out of the house, the furniture was all moved and dinner was about 45 mins away from being done (I’m spoiled – hubby does most of the cooking)

No more excuses.

It’s a 35 min work out.

And it’s done. Today was arms. Ask me, tomorrow, how well I’m able to do my job with jello arms… LMAO

I almost bailed on myself. Then I remembered who I was doing this for.

Doing It For Myself

I’ve always had this “I need someone to partner up with me” mentality.

I can’t go out to walk on my own because fat.

I can’t go to a gym because fat.

I can’t do my workout on my own because fat and I can’t keep myself motivated.

But here’s the thing. (There’s always a thing)

When I was single, I did it for myself.

I ate healthy.

I gave up sugar.

I worked out.

And I didn’t give a shit about who was available because I just did it.

I mean, I still didn’t go to a gym or for a walk outside because fat.

But I did the things that made me feel good because I had nothing else to do. No boyfriend/spouse to entertain, no one else in my life to account for after my kids went to bed.

I just had me. And I wanted to be fit. And play roller derby. And that involved exercise. And eating healthy.

It reminds me of a movie clip I heard a long time ago on a movie trailer “The last time I was happy I got so fat”

I don’t remember the movie or the actress or whatever but it’s from 1997ish so if you know which one it was please let me know so I can credit it.

Anyhow, that’s what happened with me.

I got happy. I got fat.

He cooks for me, brings me wine, brings me snacks and treats and…. I got fat. Well, fatter.

So now, after a good conversation, he’s not bringing me those things anymore but he’s cooking for me in a way that I can eat to get healthy.

He’s walking with me.

Working out with me.

Supporting me.

Loving me in different ways that will enable me to get fit and healthy and strong.

I have on my bathroom mirror: I am fit, I am athletic, I am strong.

Because for the last year or so I’ve been making jokes about the fat.

And that’s become my reality.

So now I’m going to keep talking about the fit and the healthy and the athletic.

And that will become my reality.

Because I am doing this for me, regardless of who comes along for the ride.

(But I’m excited when my hubby and kiddo do come along)

80 Miles

I signed up for a challenge.  80 miles. There’s no timeline for this challenge – I just decided that I would push myself and do the 80 miles in 30 days.

That was at the start of August.  It is now the 25th. I’ve done just about 28 miles.

I didn’t make it.

I won’t make it.

I didn’t fail.

Do you know why?

Because pushing myself to walk 80 miles meant I walked, on average, 2 miles each of the 14 times I’ve walked this month.

It means I’ve 11 hours of additional physical activity.

It means I’ve kept going. I didn’t quit.

I’ll make the 80 miles. Maybe by the end of September. But if I don’t, I know that the miles I DO walk will simply take me further than I’ve been before.

I’m proud of what I’ve walked and how far I’ve come.

If you’re looking for a challenge: runmotivators.com.

So. Much. Fun.

Confessions

Confession time.  I’ve hit a personal low.  In my fitness. In my eating habits.  In my body’s ability to move.

There may or may not have been some WTF’s the point imma end up with diabetes and on my 600lb life anyhow-type thought processes.

I may or may not have eaten ice cream and/or candy for breakfast on a couple of occasions.

I may or may not have made and eaten more cheesecake than I need.

I may or may not have been on the verge of quitting… after all I set a date to restart and then on the restart date start my day with junk food.

And yes. I started with junk food and cheesecake and chips…and I’m pretty sure that’s all I’ve eaten today.

My head hurts all the time. I’m dizzy and nauseous.  All the time.

And today.  Despite that.  I decided.  If I don’t do it. I never will.  It’s just a matter of starting right where I am.

So i did the YouV2.  Dance.  Cardio.  Good start to getting back to myself right?  Next week I can add more if I feel stronger.

How many people remember the show “so you think you can dance?”  Good show.  Amazing talent.

Oh. And i can’t.  Dance that is.  I don’t think i can. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. But… heres to hoping by the end of the week I’m not tripping over my own feet.

 I am tired of feeling shitty about my body and myself and I want to feel as good as I did in this picture.

Or this one.

I just want to feel good about me again. And right now, I don’t. So today… I start treating myself better than I have been.