The Mind Fuck

‘Scuse my language.

But I’m stuck in a mind fuck right now.

I’ve never been one of those gain, lose, gain roller coaster, yo-yo dieters . I’ve gained weight.  And stayed about that weight.  Gained a bit more weight.  Stayed about there.  Then gained more.

And then I found 1FW.

And I followed the program.

And I lost weight.

A significant amount of weight.

I lost a good 40lbs.

And then…. my relationship fell apart, and I started stress eating again.

And I gained weight.

First time in my life… I’d lost weight and gained weight.

And it fucked with my mind.  Seriously.

Suddenly I FEEL fat in a way I never had before.

I FEEL less strong, I FEEL less healthy, I FEEL less energetic.

It messes with your mind – seriously.

I’m trying to sort through it – and move past it, but I feel fat and unsexxy in a way I havent’ before.  I’ve lost a LOT of mojo and for the first time, I get how someone could end up weighing 600lbs.

I want that feeling of energy back. I want that feeling of health back.  I want the sexxy, confident woman back.

She’s in there.  I know logically I am a brilliant, bold, confident woman who has a LOT to offer someone.  But right now? I feel bloated and unsexxy and there’s a sense of “WHY” would anyone want to date me?

I’ll find her again.  I just need to unfuck my mind.

We Believe

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Derby… It Hurts So Good…

3 months.  Maybe 1 practice.  Tonight was the first since… gawd, I don’t know.

It was the first after gaining 30lbs back.

It was the first after a long semester of school.

It was the first after a huge amount of stress.

Apparently there’s been some switching it up.  Apparently my lovely coach read some article (that she posted but I haven’t had time to read) about how practices should be harder than bouts.

So that’s what she strives for.

And O. M. F. G.

I am a hurting unit.

And I love it.  So hard.

I missed it.

And I’m back.

Sorta.  Right now I’m crawling to my bathtub.  For an epsom salts soak.  Because I hurt.

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Be the Person You Want to Date

Yeah I get this is my fitness blog – that it doesn’t have anything to do with *dating* per se…. but you see, the person I want to date is not me.

I want to date someone who is active.

I want to date someone who has a full life.

I want to date someone who has a good balance of physcial activity and relaxation.

I want to date someone who is just as comfortable going on a 5-10km hike as they are snuggled up on the couch watching a movie with a glass of wine.

It occurred to me, in the middle of my grief storm that I was not it.

And if *I* don’t want to date the person I am – what makes me think the person I’m looking for wants to date ME?

The reality is – no one is going to push me to do this journey.   No one is going to say to me on a daily basis “hey – lets go get physical” they’re just going to bypass me.

It’s not that I think I have to be thin to date – I know I don’t.  It’s that the things *I* want out of a potential partner?  They’re the things I’m not… yet.

So if I want that person that like to go on hikes, I better get my ass hiking.

If I want the person who likes to work in the garden, I better get gardening.

If I want to find the person who likes to go to the gym, I’d better get there.

If I want the person who likes to be involved in community activities, I’d better get doing them.


I won’t find them on my couch, watching my tv, or in my own little home gym.

I’ll find them in the places I want to go with them.

My big epiphany:  be the person you want to date.  Because if you don’t – you’ll become Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride who had no idea what kind of eggs she liked.  Or you’ll be come me, who let a man try to make her small and cut out vital parts of her personality.

Jane Bouting Uncomfortable We Believe

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The “After” Myth


Awesome thought process…

Originally posted on Can Anybody Hear Me?:



It’s here.

In my first post, Before, 3 years ago, I said “I’m not to After yet, but I’m closer to After than to Before.”

I now weigh 117 – 120 pounds (depending on the day), and standing at 5-foot 6-inches, that measurement means that After is very, very here. But, before you congratulate me, dear readers…if I have any…and dear friends and family who I know follow this blog… I have to come clean with you: I don’t feel like I’m at After. I’m terrified of being at After. And, I don’t like that After is here.

After5 2

The tagline of my blog is “uncovering myself one pound at a time.” For most of this blog, I’ve spoken strongly about how my relationship with food and myself was what caused my weight struggles. I stand by that. The thing is, the symptoms have resolved faster than I’ve been able to…

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THAT’S Why I Gained 15lbs!!!

I’m not stupid.

I know very well how to lose weight.

I know very well why I gain weight.

I know very well what the problem is.

But… you see… I’m good at disassociating.

Something hurts?  Stick it in a box and ignore it until it’s shoving itself in my face.

Something needs to be paid?  Don’t have the money?  Put the bill aside and ignore the whole thing until they cut me off.

I do that very well.

So back to the weight gain.

I’m in school.  I run on very little time.

I  have days, like this morning, when I got up early to make good choices, then realized I’d forgotten to do an assignment so had to get it done during the time I was *supposed* to be working out/eating breakfast.

Which meant a run through McD’s drive through.  It’s literally the only drive through option between home and school.

2 sausage McMuffin’s with ketchup, and a green tea.

And having not made it through my morning effectively, I had to run over to McD’s for a snack, as well.

1 cranberry orange muffin and a coffee, extra shot of espresso.

This is, sadly, a typical day.

Sadly… I sometimes get lunch at McD’s as well.

Then home.  Dinner.  Snacks.

Today, after feeling like utter CRAP all weekend…. I decided to … log my food.

All of it.

Every. Single. Bite.

We could say that not getting butter with the muffin was a good thing, but honestly, it probably wouldn’t have made any sort of difference.

You see… in the 3 items I ate today…  That used up 3/4 of my calories for the day.


I’m still hungry.

And there’s no calories left in my day.

But I’m hungry.


No wonder I gained 15 lbs.

And now… back to the beginning of weighing, logging, exercising and getting in my water.

Because.. I do NOT like being close to 270lbs.   And I am.  And it’s affecting more than just my clothing options.  And I am done. done. done.

Yeah.  McD’s is evil.  And I need to be healthier than I am right now.

THAT’S why I gained… not because I ate there, but because I didn’t put myself first…and those little *cheats* add up.

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Killing Myself Slowly

I deal with stress through food.

I deal with pain through food.

I deal with the hole in my chest (figuratively not literally) with food.

I have been eating a LOT of food lately.

Good food.

Bad food.

REALLY bad food.

A lot of it lately.

Even when I’m not hungry.  Even when I know it’s not good.  Even when I know I’ll feel like shit afterwards.

I eat.

I have this dual thing going on in my head… “what are you doing? Why are you eating that? You don’t need that.  You don’t want that” along side the “filltheholefilltheholefillthehole” chant in my brain.

And so I eat.

And I feel like crap.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Mentally.

I feel like utter crap.

But I still eat.

So I’ve sorta decided that I am killing myself slowly.   I must be, right? Because if I didn’t want to feel like crap, I wouldn’t eat.

But I eat.

SO I must like it.


Happy Sunday.

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It’s A Derby Kind Of Night

Oh hey, what’s that?  Skating?  Me?

Yep.  I was.

2 weeks of influenza.

Homework piled up and keeping me from skating.

Broke-assed and couldn’t pay my dues.

And so I almost quit.  Not quit quit.  But just stopped skating, until school was over.

But then I realized… if I quit… I’m probably not going to go back.

I’ll be travelling in May, or I’ll go back to work an hour away from home.  And there will be another reason.  And another excuse.  And then… I’ll hit the end of season and wonder WTF?  Where did it go?

I was the consistent player.  I was the one who SHOWED UP to every single practice.  I made it a priority.  Every. Single. Time.

One of my friends who used to play derby (she moved over to crossfit) said to me once that she would LOVE to have me on her team because I keep. freaking. going.

And I almost let it go.  For what?

Derby keeps me sane.

I’m not where I want to be.  I’m physically not as fit as I was at the end of last season.   I seem to have trouble with some of my skills.

But I’ll get there again.

I’ll get back to the point of fit.  But in the meantime… I get to keep going.

Derby rocks my life.  It’ keeps me sane.  And I – I will be amazing at it.

For now – I’ll just keep going.

Jane Bouting

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