Whole30. Day 4. And the little old lady with the candy…

So I work in health care. I’m a licensed practical nurse… but filling in hours with working in home support.

I have some lovely, sweet clients.

And some creepy clients.

And some meh, do what I need to and get out of their faces clients.

And some sad, wish I could help, they don’t really want the help so they’re just declining fast clients.

And of course I have clients who are more my favourites than others.

Today’s clients were a mixture of all of them.

My 2nd to last client – she is one of the lovely sweet clients. The kind I do a bit more than I’m supposed to for. Things like opening a bag of peppermint candies and putting them into a ziplock baggie. Not really part of my scope but I do it because it takes me about 2 mins and would take her probably 10.

So whatever.

And in the process of mindlessly putting them in the baggie, she says.. “Have one for your troubles”

And *pop* in my mouth the sugary sweet peppermint went.

Without. Even. Thinking.


Yeah I ate the candy.

I’m not restarting (the rules say that you have to but nope) the program. Because I’m not that much of a diehard.

I am happy to continue with one slip and carry on.

But then… the cravings for the sugar hit. I’m sitting in my house and it was a moment of GIVE ME ALL THE CANDY….

I didn’t give in. I couldn’t.  Because it was one tiny candy – and I refused to give in and give up.

Later today? I went to the Christmas Craft fair.  There’s this lady there who sells individual cheesecakes with a LOT of yumminess.

I said no. But OMG… I usually go to the farmer’s market SPECIFICALLY for those.  For breakfast on Saturdays. And I said no.


Yeah that’s how I felt.


Some moments though… I feel that this is what I’m supposed to eat…

Although I know I’m just supposed to eat good clean healthy food – it’s not very convenient though… LOL

I’m going to an open mic night tonight – hanging out with some friends, listening to some good music… Currently no cravings… so that’s good.

Must drink more water though.

And here I thought I had a handle on this….

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Whole 30. Day 2

I almost gave in.

The headache. OMG the headache. If I eat a chocolate bar will the headache go away?


But I can power through this.

I tortured myself today.  Sat in Costco while my daughter ate poutine and a hot dog.  I had nothing.  Well, except the 2 hard-boiled eggs left from the morning.

On my way out of town (heading back home) I passed Tim Hortons. I did NOT get a coffee, 2 cream, shot of espresso, shot of vanilla. And a donut.  I drove past.

When I got home, I did not get into the Halloween candy. I opened the bag of almonds, and a can of pineapple.

Protein and healthy sugars?

But I can get through this. No dairy, no sugar, no alcohol, no grains, no legumes.

I can do this.

And I’ll be much happier when the stabbing pain in my head stops.  *whimper*

I’m not doing the exercise. Not yet. But I will.  The head is too hurty right now.

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Whole 30. Day 1.

Have you heard of Whole30?

It’s a program where you reset your body for 30 days.  You can eat anything as long as it’s not on the list of “don’t eat these” foods.

So for the next 30 days… I’m cutting out:

Baked goods/treats

SO.  What can I eat?

Well – I’ve said for a long time… if it grows in the ground or has a mother… then its on the yes list.  This obviously takes some of those out, but keeping in line with that…

I can eat vegetables.  Fruit. Protein. Healthy fats. Coffee (I think my hubby will thank the program for that one… take away coffee AND sugar?)

In other words:

Eat real food.

Eat moderate portions of meat, seafood, and eggs; lots of vegetables; some fruit; plenty of natural fats; and herbs, spices, and seasonings. Eat foods with very few ingredients, all pronounceable ingredients, or better yet, no ingredients listed at all because they’re whole and unprocessed.

So. For the next 30 days I’m going to be doing a LOT of food prep.  Because there’s no side trip to 7-11 on that list. Or Tim Hortons.

I’ve thought about this for a while. Borrowed the book from someone.  And then didn’t follow through because I’d have to give up this or that or the other thing.

Today, I randomly woke up and decided… ok, let’s do this.  (For the record, the book recommends doing the exact opposite of what I did.  They recommend picking a target date and sticking with it.)

I’m not super starved, and when I eat, I’m satiated – even without having gone shopping. In about 15 mins though, I’m going shopping for some additional items so I can eat more of a variety.

Plus my kid needs shoes and I need batteries for the smoke detectors.

I’ve got an awesome recipe for dinner tonight that I’m looking forward to trying – it looks SO simple and easy. And hopefully tastes good enough that my family won’t complain.

But yeah. Randomly dropped myself into Whole30.  Who else is in?

Oh and i’m going to do this:

30 Day Goal Challenge

But also add:

And the C25K.

Because.  Healthy.  And fit.  And I know that in 3 days… this sugar detox headache I’m experiencing will be gone. And in 5 days I’ll start to have more energy (oh yay! Just in time for night shift!)  And as the time goes on, I’ll feel better.

So happy day 1 of Whole30.

Let’s do this.


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Oh Hey! Derby!!

Tonight was my first practice of the fresh meat season.  There’s not a lot of fresh meat.  I would love to see more fresh meat in practice.

But today was a good “get myself back in derby shape” start.

And oh do I need to get back in derby shape.

2 new people at practice… but it was fun. And it hurt.  Oh how the muscles that haven’t been worked in a while hurt.

But I’m looking forward to a new season, new skaters, and getting myself in derby shape.

Derby vs Killbillies lead

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I haven’t seen that number in… I don’t know how long.

To be fair… I weighed myself at the end of the day, on the first day of my period.

To be fair… the number won’t change that much tomorrow before I eat anything stark nekkid.

But it’s a good wake up call of how far out I’ve come and how much I’ve relied on stress eating to get me through the past few weeks.

Eat all the food.

Eat all the bad food.

Eat all the good food (but too much!)

Drink all the alcohol.

I have the book “Whole 30” waiting for me at the local bookstore.  I have these excuses in my head… I can’t cut back on all things dairy. I can’t not eat this. I can’t not eat that.

I need a better program.

I need a simpler program.

I need a different program.

I don’t.

I have a program that works. I have proven it to myself. All I have to do is FOLLOW IT!

Say no to the chips, the candy, the extra helping, the dessert.

Say yes to more water, the greens, the tea instead of coffee.

And follow my program – which means getting involved in my online group, eating healthy and working out every day.

But just DO it.  DON’T look for excuses why it can’t… look for reasons it CAN happen.

I asked my man if it had been obvious I’d gained weight.  He said yes.  And the question in my head is… “Why did you keep indulging me and why didn’t you say anything?”

But the real question is why did I keep eating the way I was?

There were a lot of reasons – but mostly I was stress eating.

And now, the stress is still there, but I refuse to stress eat any longer.

I will talk. I will exercise. I will blog. I will play music. I will craft. I will clean.

But I will eat for fuel and sustenance for the next while – to allow my body to get back to where it needs to be.

I feel gross. I feel unhealthy. I don’t feel ready for derby season.

Here’s to a different choice… starting now.

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Almost Gave Up

The voices in my head are fucking awful to me.

They are the echoes of things people have said to me all my life.  The reason I quit before I find success usually.

“I don’t know why you’re trying”

“You’re not going to get any better”

“You’re not good enough”

“You never finish anything anyhow so it doesn’t matter”

The thing with those voices… is they drown out any determination or motivation or desires I have.

So I set up a challenge 5 days ago.  Burpees and squats.

Last challenge I set up I got to day 10 before failing falling off the wagon.

I meant to catch up.

I never did.

And then I started another challenge.  5 days ago.

And 5 days in…. I’m 2 days behind.

Easy catch up.  It’s at the beginning, do 2 days in 1 for 2 days and I’m caught up.

And the voices kicked in…

And it’s my period.

And I’m running late.

And…. then another voice kicked in.

“I’m really proud of you for coming out running with me.”

Now…. understand that running with her was more of me doing a run/walk while she ran ahead and back.

But her voice stuck in my head.

I did my 2 days of burpees and squats.

And here I am.  Finding my motivation.

Because ONE positive encouraging voice overwhelmed years of voices that beat up on me.

And for today?  I feel stronger and more determined.

Motivation Quote

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WTF Happend?

It’s derby season again.

I’m stronger. I’m more stable.  I’m slightly more agile.

I’m better at the beginning of this year than I was at the end of last year.

Also, I never ever see myself from a profile.

So when I saw pics from the 2nd and 3rd bouts of the year… there’s a LOT of side shots.  And because we were short benched… There’s a LOT of me.

And when I saw them… I saw something totally different than what anyone else sees.

You see, they all see me from the side on a regular basis. They know how I look.

These pictures… people commented things like “You look so powerful in this picture!”

And all I see is.. HOLY FUCKING FAT ROLLS!

I’ve got the star on my head in the pic on the left and I’m the one with all the rolls on the right.

I’m wedding dress shopping (wedding is just over a year away) and I hate everything.  Ok, maybe hate is too strong of a word.  But I’m not happy with any of them. I haven’t yet put on a dress and thought “This makes me feel beautiful.  This is the one”

And now I know why.

Because no matter how I hide it… the ROLLS are always there.

They prevent me from loving my body and pictures of me in action.

They prevent me from loving the dresses I’ve tried on (which I’m not going to post pictures of here, because the Sexxy Chef reads this on occasion.)

They prevent me from being happy.

I read somewhere (if I’m feeling ambitious later I’ll look up the research and cite something in a comment) that excess fat leads to excess estrogen which leads to an increased risk of depression.

People.  I’m already at HIGH risk for depression. I’m already at risk of drowning in sadness and apathy. I have a history of clinical depression.

So being this size, bumping up against 270lbs, all of this runs me the risk of falling into a huge depression.


The funk has started.

The random tears have started.

The apathy towards finishing school has started.

So I have 2 choices.

  1. I can let it continue.  Eat the candy. Eat the chips.  Drink the rum and coke. Exercise only at derby practice.  Sit on my ass the rest of the time.
  2. Change what I’m doing.  Stop eating the sugar. Control my caloric intake.  Add something exercise every day. Move my body every 15 mins when I’m in class.

One choice leads to a miserable life and awful unhappy wedding photos.

The other leads to the life I want.

Easy choice, right?

Not really.  Apathy is actually easier.  That’s why people have a hard time getting out of depression and getting fit. Apathy is the easier of the two paths.

But it’s not the path I’m taking.

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