Be the Person You Want to Date

Yeah I get this is my fitness blog – that it doesn’t have anything to do with *dating* per se…. but you see, the person I want to date is not me.

I want to date someone who is active.

I want to date someone who has a full life.

I want to date someone who has a good balance of physcial activity and relaxation.

I want to date someone who is just as comfortable going on a 5-10km hike as they are snuggled up on the couch watching a movie with a glass of wine.

It occurred to me, in the middle of my grief storm that I was not it.

And if *I* don’t want to date the person I am – what makes me think the person I’m looking for wants to date ME?

The reality is – no one is going to push me to do this journey.   No one is going to say to me on a daily basis “hey – lets go get physical” they’re just going to bypass me.

It’s not that I think I have to be thin to date – I know I don’t.  It’s that the things *I* want out of a potential partner?  They’re the things I’m not… yet.

So if I want that person that like to go on hikes, I better get my ass hiking.

If I want the person who likes to work in the garden, I better get gardening.

If I want to find the person who likes to go to the gym, I’d better get there.

If I want the person who likes to be involved in community activities, I’d better get doing them.

BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE I’LL FIND THAT PERSON!!

I won’t find them on my couch, watching my tv, or in my own little home gym.

I’ll find them in the places I want to go with them.

My big epiphany:  be the person you want to date.  Because if you don’t – you’ll become Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride who had no idea what kind of eggs she liked.  Or you’ll be come me, who let a man try to make her small and cut out vital parts of her personality.

Jane Bouting Uncomfortable We Believe

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The “After” Myth

sunnyjane:

Awesome thought process…

Originally posted on Can Anybody Hear Me?:

DURING

After.

It’s here.

In my first post, Before, 3 years ago, I said “I’m not to After yet, but I’m closer to After than to Before.”

I now weigh 117 – 120 pounds (depending on the day), and standing at 5-foot 6-inches, that measurement means that After is very, very here. But, before you congratulate me, dear readers…if I have any…and dear friends and family who I know follow this blog… I have to come clean with you: I don’t feel like I’m at After. I’m terrified of being at After. And, I don’t like that After is here.

After5 2

The tagline of my blog is “uncovering myself one pound at a time.” For most of this blog, I’ve spoken strongly about how my relationship with food and myself was what caused my weight struggles. I stand by that. The thing is, the symptoms have resolved faster than I’ve been able to…

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THAT’S Why I Gained 15lbs!!!

I’m not stupid.

I know very well how to lose weight.

I know very well why I gain weight.

I know very well what the problem is.

But… you see… I’m good at disassociating.

Something hurts?  Stick it in a box and ignore it until it’s shoving itself in my face.

Something needs to be paid?  Don’t have the money?  Put the bill aside and ignore the whole thing until they cut me off.

I do that very well.

So back to the weight gain.

I’m in school.  I run on very little time.

I  have days, like this morning, when I got up early to make good choices, then realized I’d forgotten to do an assignment so had to get it done during the time I was *supposed* to be working out/eating breakfast.

Which meant a run through McD’s drive through.  It’s literally the only drive through option between home and school.

2 sausage McMuffin’s with ketchup, and a green tea.

And having not made it through my morning effectively, I had to run over to McD’s for a snack, as well.

1 cranberry orange muffin and a coffee, extra shot of espresso.

This is, sadly, a typical day.

Sadly… I sometimes get lunch at McD’s as well.

Then home.  Dinner.  Snacks.

Today, after feeling like utter CRAP all weekend…. I decided to … log my food.

All of it.

Every. Single. Bite.

We could say that not getting butter with the muffin was a good thing, but honestly, it probably wouldn’t have made any sort of difference.

You see… in the 3 items I ate today…  That used up 3/4 of my calories for the day.

THREE. FREAKING. ITEMS.

I’m still hungry.

And there’s no calories left in my day.

But I’m hungry.

Fuck.

No wonder I gained 15 lbs.

And now… back to the beginning of weighing, logging, exercising and getting in my water.

Because.. I do NOT like being close to 270lbs.   And I am.  And it’s affecting more than just my clothing options.  And I am done. done. done.

Yeah.  McD’s is evil.  And I need to be healthier than I am right now.

THAT’S why I gained… not because I ate there, but because I didn’t put myself first…and those little *cheats* add up.

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Killing Myself Slowly

I deal with stress through food.

I deal with pain through food.

I deal with the hole in my chest (figuratively not literally) with food.

I have been eating a LOT of food lately.

Good food.

Bad food.

REALLY bad food.

A lot of it lately.

Even when I’m not hungry.  Even when I know it’s not good.  Even when I know I’ll feel like shit afterwards.

I eat.

I have this dual thing going on in my head… “what are you doing? Why are you eating that? You don’t need that.  You don’t want that” along side the “filltheholefilltheholefillthehole” chant in my brain.

And so I eat.

And I feel like crap.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Mentally.

I feel like utter crap.

But I still eat.

So I’ve sorta decided that I am killing myself slowly.   I must be, right? Because if I didn’t want to feel like crap, I wouldn’t eat.

But I eat.

SO I must like it.

Fuck.

Happy Sunday.

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It’s A Derby Kind Of Night

Oh hey, what’s that?  Skating?  Me?

Yep.  I was.

2 weeks of influenza.

Homework piled up and keeping me from skating.

Broke-assed and couldn’t pay my dues.

And so I almost quit.  Not quit quit.  But just stopped skating, until school was over.

But then I realized… if I quit… I’m probably not going to go back.

I’ll be travelling in May, or I’ll go back to work an hour away from home.  And there will be another reason.  And another excuse.  And then… I’ll hit the end of season and wonder WTF?  Where did it go?

I was the consistent player.  I was the one who SHOWED UP to every single practice.  I made it a priority.  Every. Single. Time.

One of my friends who used to play derby (she moved over to crossfit) said to me once that she would LOVE to have me on her team because I keep. freaking. going.

And I almost let it go.  For what?

Derby keeps me sane.

I’m not where I want to be.  I’m physically not as fit as I was at the end of last season.   I seem to have trouble with some of my skills.

But I’ll get there again.

I’ll get back to the point of fit.  But in the meantime… I get to keep going.

Derby rocks my life.  It’ keeps me sane.  And I – I will be amazing at it.

For now – I’ll just keep going.

Jane Bouting

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Doing what I can

In-fucking-fluenza.

I’m missing out on roller derby practices.

I’m missing out on roller derby bouts.

I’m struggling to walk many days.

Overall – it’s pissing me off-fa-fa… (bonus marks if you know where that’s from)

Result? A 5 minute walk can wipe me out for 2 hours. I am barely making it through 3/4 of my day before I need to sleep.

For those of you on my friends list… you KNOW that I have influenza and how not being able to exercise is affecting me. A couple days ago, there was a particularly whiny post about feeling fat and gross.

Yesterday, I decided fuck this. A program I used to belong to, Flylady.net(fly = finally loving yourself!!) talks about 2 things that have stuck with me. 1. You can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes. 2. You’re not behind, just jump in where you are, ok?

So I decided… challenge. Just with myself. Just to do *anything* for 15 minutes. I don’t have energy for Keith‘s workouts. I look at them and go …. “NOPE” because my lungs just will not. I dont’ have energy for roller derby practice. But I can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes. So I’ve decided, for ME, that for the next month as my health improves to do these two challenges. I am doing the 30 day squat in conjunction with the squat/burpee because my legs are strong and I want them stronger.

I’m doing something. I’m not giving up. If you’re struggling with any part of the program due to never exercising before, due to health, due to time constraints… get moving until your body WILL do the workouts you want to. Or add these because your workouts aren’t hard enough (LMFAO)

But don’t give up because it seems life is conspiring against you. You can do this.

Burpee and Squat Challenge February Plank Challenge Squat Challenge

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In Tears Today

I’m not sure why exactly.

For the record, I’ve been off my anti-depressants for a few weeks.  Entirely.  There’s all these FEELINGS that pop up.  Go figure.  Take away the emotion-controlling meds – feel shit.

So yeah.  Today is an emotional day.

There’s feelings about my ex-relationship.

There’s feelings about my dead husband.

There’s feelings about my physical self.

There’s feelings about my financial issues.

What it comes down to is that I feel.  I feel angry because I had to cancel NSO’ing this weekend.   It’s the logical choice – my car isn’t all that safe to be driving back and forth between PG and Quesnel right now (tire issue – need to find a tire) and while I have a place to stay – I am not comfortable leaving my boys alone for a weekend.   And with all the homework I have to do this week/end – having that time to DO so is amazingly awesome.   So maybe the universe conspired to ensure I had study time this weekend?  (ask an you shall get??)

But yeah.  The other part of the anger comes from not being able to participate in derby right now.

This week is spring break.  We dont’ have access to our usual practice space so we’re doing an off skate practice.  The outdoor track is wet, no real place to skate, so we’re doing an off skate workout.

I can’t keep up.  With the flu that has hit me, I’m struggling to keep up with a full day of school.   The plan tonight involves *some* jogging (about 3 minutes) but really – I can’t walk from my car, and then up the stairs to my class without getting winded.  And not out of shape winded, lung capacity diminished because of the flu winded.

And that PISSES ME OFF.

I want to be well.  I want to be physical.  I want to not look like THIS:

Roller Disco 2 Roller Disco

I do not look sexxy.

I felt nekkid.  Aside from the lack of gear… I was wearing a shirt that barely covered my boobs, no bra and ALL THE FAT ROLLS were ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I did *not* feel sexxy.   Or strong.  Or beautiful.

And seeing those pictures… I feel even less so.

Because I dont’ get to see myself.  In my head… I’m much more fit and sexxy than I actually am.

And I wonder why anyone thinks I’m sexxy.  I feel “not surprised” when guys don’t want to date me.

Yep…. this is a pity party.  We all have em.  This is mine.  I can’t work out with my derby team.  I can’t skate for any length of time.  I can’t work out.  I can’t go for a walk.  I can’t NSO.  I feel overwhelmed and stressed about my homework load.

And I’m in tears writing this and I know I’ll feel better about myself when I’m done crying about it… but for now?   I want to get fit and feel like my body is conspiring against me.

Happy Freaking Tuesday.   I’m going to do what I can.   Miss derby practice again, hope I’m fit enough to pass the fit test next week, and pull up my socks and hope for more energy tomorrow.

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