The Side Effects of Not Exercising

  1. Tired as fuck.
  2. No energy to work out.
  3. Circular pattern of tired as fuck so you have no energy to work out to boost the energy.
  4. Pants get tight.
  5. Sugary crap starts to look (and taste) good.
  6. Hating yourself because you ate the sugary crap.
  7. Eating more sugary crap because you feel like crap and something’s gotta make you feel better right?
  8. Feeling guilty and hiding the wrappers of all the sugary crap because your husband loves you and worries and calls you out on your shit when you eat the crap after telling him you want to be skinny and fit.
  9. Feeling bloaty because of #5-7
  10. Irregular bowel movements (this is a problem!!!)
  11. Feeling bloaty because of #10.
  12. Headaches.
  13. Hanger. All the time.
  14. Seriously unstable moods.
  15. Random anger flare ups.
  16. Random bursts of tears.
  17. Little in the way of joy.
  18. Lack of sex drive.

My life feels like it sucks right now. I haven’t been meal planning. I haven’t been exercising (damn you plantar faciitis!!) and I’ve made all sorts of excuses to eat a donut, drink coffee with cream and sugar, candy, chips, fudge (ooohhhh the fudge!) and generally lots of CRAP.

And I have like, NO sex drive.

None. Nada. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

When I’m having sex (despite the lack of drive – I have this theory of use it or lose it entirely) I feel bloaty and gross.  He lays on me and I struggle to breathe. Body parts hurt cuz fat and stiff joints.

My connection with my husband is suffering.

I come home from work… pass out on him. He tries to wake me up…and I’m too tired in the morning.

If I were to exercise, would it improve my sex drive?

I don’t actually know. But I DO know that since I’ve been NOT exercising, my mood has dipped. And I’m not having sex.  That when I was exercising on a regular basis, I was having sex on a regular basis and I wasn’t an ANGRY TEARY ABOUT TO EXPLODE IN ANGER OR EMOTIONAL MELT DOWN person to live with. And really.. who actually wants to have sex with that person? I don’t.

Can you imagine? “Oh honey this feels so OMG I”M SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW… no wait.. *bursts into tears* Ok lets keep going…”

Yeah. No.

Ok it’s not actually like that but some days in my head it feels like it.

So here’s my thought process.  I need time to write – I haven’t been blogging.

And I need time to exercise. It’s gotta be a priority.  Hubs has offered to work out with me and on Wednesday that will become a reality.  Walks, some sort of weights, and fuck the plantar faciitis, I’m running again.  (Ok maybe really just doing deep water running)

But I need to exercise. I need to see if it adjusts a few things.

Because I really want to want sex again. I like sex. I like sex with my husband.  I just need that drive back.

Exercise Underutilized

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Fuck Stress Eating

I had a day today.

I’m currently working night shift.  Got zero sleep today, will get zero (except maybe an hour or so while getting my tattoo) sleep tomorrow.

I may be able to nap on my break.

I cleaned my house.

I conversed with my landlord about my housing situation (long story, we’re all hoping not to be homeless in August).

I had a conversation with my mother about her dog. And a road trip.  And how I was not interested in adding 3 or 4 hours drive onto my drive home on Sunday (7 hours already and you want me to detour for another 3 or 4 when I found a solution so I don’t have to?)

By the time 4pm hit, I was stressed to the hilt.  Still cleaning my house, peeking into the pantry every time I cleaned something back there and checking out the chips there. Thinking about the cheesecake bites in the freezer.

I tried to call someone – but she was busy and then it didn’t happen.

My Sexxy Chef was at work.

I was on the verge.  The stress eating was almost there.

And then… I looked at the time, looked at my treadmill and got dressed and went for a run.

2 awesome things happened.

  1. I wasn’t as stressed.  That diminished considerably
  2. I ran faster today for a longer, more sustained period of time than I have before.

I’m on week 2 of C25K. 90 seconds running, 2 mins walking.

I’m running at 5 miles per hour. For 90. Fucking. Seconds.

So take THAT stress eating.

Fuck right off.

Because I ran my stress away.  And I did it BETTER than I have before.

I PUSHED myself because I was angry.

And I DID it.

Fuck stress eating.  I’m going to go for a run when I’m stressed.  It’s way better.

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Quit and Do What?

I have a trainer that says “Quit and Do What?”

Well. I have an answer.

Eat ice cream.

Drink wine and ceasars.

Watch a lot of bad TV. (and some good)

Eat big juicy hamburgers with chips and dip at BBQ’s with family and friends.

So quit and do what?  Whatever I want without guilt.

But the question that came to me this morning… is not quit and do what… but.. who am I cheating?

When we cheat on our diets – who are we cheating on? What benefit is there?

If someone cheats on a test – they have the potential to get a better grade, pass the test or what have you.  So really – there’s BENEFIT to cheating on a test.

If we cheat on our diets – who benefits? Where’s the pay off?

So quit and do what doesn’t work for me.  But who am I cheating if I quit or sneak a bite or sneak a cookie?  Me.  That’s who. I am cheating me and my goals and my desires.

And I’m worth not being cheated on.

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Running… again.

Oh hey!  *knock knock knock*

Is this thing on?  Are you still there dear reader? (or non-reader as the case may be)

It’s been a while since I last blogged.  *pauses writing to go check how long*

Holy shit since January 14!

Lots has been going on.

I got fatter.

I stopped exercising.

I made excuses.

I started working a lot.

I just stopped caring.

And then I woke up.  And I started caring again.

See here’s the thing about depression and anxiety and stress.

It sucks the life and energy out of you.

So you stop caring.  And you stop taking care of you.

Showers were a “just before I have to work or if it’s been longer than 2 days” thing.

Brushing teeth was when they were fuzzy – and did you know if you chew the gum with the hard shells they rarely get fuzzy? And your breath stays nice.

Candy, chips, alcohol… those were mainstays of my nights.

I simply stopped caring.

And then I joined up with a couple of groups/challenges.  Jumpstart 4.0 with My1fwtraining. An offshoot of that – running basics.

And 3 days before the running basics, I had a meltdown.  I don’t fit into my wedding dress (46 days to go, yo!) and I can’t play roller derby.

I cried. I whined. I made excuses. I blamed everything (my job, my relationship, my love of sex…)

And finally – I woman’d up.

I stopped making the excuses and got my ass on the treadmill.

I did an ab workout.

I said no to donuts and cookies at work.

And today.  Today with the mother of all excuses… (sick overnight, got my period, period day 1 is stupid, slow and painful, not drinking water, ate 2 ice cream bars, overall no energy) I got on the treadmill this evening.

I did my day 2 of C25K.

I did my ab workout.

I have the foam roller waiting to go.

I have not had a perfect day by any means.

I have had a day where normally I would have said.. fuck it. I’ll run tomorrow.

And I would have ate all the candy and the chip and drunk all the wine.

And I would have beaten myself up about 10.30pm.

But now? I’m still not perfect. I just popped 3 gummy candies in my mouth. I’ve had a couple chips. I drank the rest of my wine (and another glass will be poured)

But I’ve also refilled my water bottle and will drink that before foam rolling.

I’m not perfect.

But even with the mother of all excuse days, I still honoured my commitment to MYSELF and did my run and ab workout.

Because I’m the only one I’m accountable to. In the end, I’m the one who has to live in my skin. And lately.. it’s not been a fun place to be.

So cheers to you, dear reader… because I feel freaking FANTASTIC tonight.  Despite day one of the stupid temper tantrum my uterus has once a month.

Honour those commitments to yourself.  They’re what keeps you going.

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Living in Tomorrow

As I read back on all the “on this day” reminders on Facebook, I see a common theme.

“I need to get off my ass”

“I’m really serious this time”

“I’m following my program better this time”

“…this time…”

I realized, as I look towards the next 5 months and my wedding that’s coming up very quickly… I live in tomorrow.

I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll have time tomorrow. I’ll make time tomorrow.  Today got too busy, I can do it tomorrow. I’ll put my plan into place tomorrow.

And then tomorrow comes.  And the mantra repeats:

I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll have time tomorrow. I’ll make time tomorrow.  Today got too busy, I can do it tomorrow. I’ll put my plan into place tomorrow.

And before I know it…. it’s been a week.  A month. A year.  Another year.

Today’s favourite?  “I have my period and I hurt. I’ll wait until tomorrow to exercise when it doesn’t hurt so much.”  But exercise helps with the pain

Another favourite? “I’m tired. I’ll do it tomorrow when I have more energy.” But exercise increases energy and decreases fatigue.

I’m not stupid.

I’m not uneducated.

I know. I know the ways to lose weight and get fit.  I know the ways to get healthy and get slim.  I know the exercises to do to reach my goals.

But the real question is… does it hurt more to change or to stay the same?

We do the things that hurt us the least.  Or the things that give us the greatest reward.

Today I am 2 days away from leveling up to 44. Firmly in my mid-40’s. Heaviest I’ve been in my life. And unhappiest about my body shape.  And I’m getting married in 5 months.

So I need to decide.  Will it hurt me more to change my habits (eat healthier, exercise regularly) or hurt me more to stay the same.  Those pictures are forever.

These are the things I’ll be thinking about today.

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Whole30. Day 4. And the little old lady with the candy…

So I work in health care. I’m a licensed practical nurse… but filling in hours with working in home support.

I have some lovely, sweet clients.

And some creepy clients.

And some meh, do what I need to and get out of their faces clients.

And some sad, wish I could help, they don’t really want the help so they’re just declining fast clients.

And of course I have clients who are more my favourites than others.

Today’s clients were a mixture of all of them.

My 2nd to last client – she is one of the lovely sweet clients. The kind I do a bit more than I’m supposed to for. Things like opening a bag of peppermint candies and putting them into a ziplock baggie. Not really part of my scope but I do it because it takes me about 2 mins and would take her probably 10.

So whatever.

And in the process of mindlessly putting them in the baggie, she says.. “Have one for your troubles”

And *pop* in my mouth the sugary sweet peppermint went.

Without. Even. Thinking.

HOLY CRAP.

Yeah I ate the candy.

I’m not restarting (the rules say that you have to but nope) the program. Because I’m not that much of a diehard.

I am happy to continue with one slip and carry on.

But then… the cravings for the sugar hit. I’m sitting in my house and it was a moment of GIVE ME ALL THE CANDY….

I didn’t give in. I couldn’t.  Because it was one tiny candy – and I refused to give in and give up.

Later today? I went to the Christmas Craft fair.  There’s this lady there who sells individual cheesecakes with a LOT of yumminess.

I said no. But OMG… I usually go to the farmer’s market SPECIFICALLY for those.  For breakfast on Saturdays. And I said no.

GIVE ME ALL THE CHEESECAKE!!

Yeah that’s how I felt.

 

Some moments though… I feel that this is what I’m supposed to eat…

Although I know I’m just supposed to eat good clean healthy food – it’s not very convenient though… LOL

I’m going to an open mic night tonight – hanging out with some friends, listening to some good music… Currently no cravings… so that’s good.

Must drink more water though.

And here I thought I had a handle on this….

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Whole 30. Day 2

I almost gave in.

The headache. OMG the headache. If I eat a chocolate bar will the headache go away?

Possibly.

But I can power through this.

I tortured myself today.  Sat in Costco while my daughter ate poutine and a hot dog.  I had nothing.  Well, except the 2 hard-boiled eggs left from the morning.

On my way out of town (heading back home) I passed Tim Hortons. I did NOT get a coffee, 2 cream, shot of espresso, shot of vanilla. And a donut.  I drove past.

When I got home, I did not get into the Halloween candy. I opened the bag of almonds, and a can of pineapple.

Protein and healthy sugars?

But I can get through this. No dairy, no sugar, no alcohol, no grains, no legumes.

I can do this.

And I’ll be much happier when the stabbing pain in my head stops.  *whimper*

I’m not doing the exercise. Not yet. But I will.  The head is too hurty right now.

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