Signs or Self-Sabotage?

I believe in signs, do you?

My van caught fire when I was trying to go look for work in Kamloops.  We ignored the sign and moved anyhow.   It wasn’t the best move for us, but we did it anyhow.

I got all sorts of signs from my husband that moving to Quesnel was a good idea, even though it meant taking my kids from their friends, their home, and moving me from all my friends.  I don’t regret it at all.

I’ve been back in derby consistently for the past 2 months.  I’m getting stronger. I’m getting better.  My cardio is ah MAZE ing.

However…  There’s an issue.  I get a cramp in in my left leg when I’m doing my 27/5. Its starting to piss me off.  It’s a new issue.  Its a muscular issue.

My last set of laps I got 23 in 5 minutes.  2 of those minutes I was in agony.  My leg was cramped up, I was fighting with my leg so my back started cramping up, and in the end… 23 laps.  I need 4 more.

It’s NOT a cardio issue.  When I stop skating, I’m not gasping for air and my recovery is quick.   I’ve got the cardio part.

It’s just a muscle issue.

So my problem is (and anyone in the fitness/physio field, please please feel free to offer suggestions) is that my hamstring on my left side turns into a rock while I’m skating laps.

Is this something that will work itself out with time?  Is it something that will eventually morph into a super strong hamstring that gives me 30-35 laps in 5?

Or is this a sign that I’m doing something that I shouldn’t be right now?

I keep pushing.  I keep trying.  But here it is, 8 hours before I’m supposed to take the test AGAIN (I’m not ever going to stop playing unless its a retirement after I pass) and I can feel the muscle knotting up.

I’ve tried magnesium.  Foam roller. Yoga.  Stretching.

The only thing I haven’t tried is professional help – a professional massage, physio etc… because it’s not in the budget right now.

So… sign? or just my body adjusting to the new physical fitness routine I’m putting it through?

Add the snow to today – the first real snowfall of the season, and I’m just… frustrated.

I want to play.  I want to skate. I’m putting a LOT of stress on myself about getting/being fit and being able to bout.

And really – I just want to know if it’ll all work out… my body will adjust and move the way I want it to, and I’ll be on skates all spring/summer or if it’s a mental block that I have to work my way through.

Either possibility exists.  I don’t know which is more likely… *sigh*

Blahhhhh…. I just wanna be here again:

Jane Bouting


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PEACE: An Open Challenge to the World

Source: PEACE: An Open Challenge to the World

I love this.

I would add to it…  Forgive yourself.  Hug yourself.  Be kind to yourself.

Peace is without but you also need peace within.

It’s easier to forgive another, hug another, be kind to another…. but for those to become habit… you also have to do for you.

So I challenge you: forgive yourself… and another, hug yourself… and another, be kind to yourself… and another.



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Ready to Quit…

I’m struggling with derby this round of fresh meat.

Due to league rules, I have to re-benchmark.  I have to re-test.  I have to get 27 laps in 5 fricken minutes.

It’s a milestone I’ve never broke.  Last testing time, I squeaked by on a technicality that allowed me to do 25/5 and I got 25 1/2.

This time?  I’m pushing myself hard.

My problem is my body is arguing with me.

Cramps in the bottom of my feet.

Cramps in my entire left side of my body when skating 5 mins hard.

Cramps trying to bring me down.

Last night, in practice, I spent less than 10 minutes on skates before the bottoms of my feet hurt so bad I was almost in tears.

I skated to where my gear bag was, messaged a friend and said… “I hurt so bad I’m ready to quit”

Her response?  “Do something different then.  Barbells are fun.”

My response… in my head… was “FUCK THAT.  I LOVE PLAYING DERBY”

And then we did laps. I got 25 1/2 in 5 mins.  At about the 3 min mark, my entire body cramped up on the left side and I spent 2 mins sticky skating as fast as I could to just keep. moving.

I hurt, and I pushed myself because “Fuck you for telling me I should do something different!!”

I love her for it.  I pushed myself.  I went at it harder.  I had FUN.

My feet stopped hurting. I started skating. It was an awesome practice.

And I’m not ready to quit.  I’m not ready to give up something I haven’t actually done enough to retire from.  I want to play more.   And I need that push to make me work harder.

Thanks Sarah. :) Love you!

Hiking with Sarah

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Changing How I Think About Food

I remember, as a quasi-adult, being at my mother’s house for an overnight and looking for a snack.

There was chicken in the fridge.

I went to eat it.   She had a bird.


For my entire life, food has been categorized.

Eggs or cereal or pancakes/waffles for breakfast.

Sammiches or salad for lunch.

Some very large, meat/potato or grain/veggie based meal for dinner.

I call bullshit.

Food is food. It is fuel for your body.   Having a piece of chicken for a snack means my body is getting lean protein (leanish – her cooking methods back then were heavy on the oil and breading) instead of buttery sugary carbs.

I want to eat the best possible fuel for my body.

I had a talk with my kid the other day – he had bought himself another 2L of Pepsi.

SO I asked him.  “If you had a ferarri, would you put the cheapest possible gas you could into that amazing performance engine?  Or would you put the premium, very expensive fuel in?”

Of course he said the premium fuel.

“So WHY,” I asked, “would you put crap fuel into YOUR body? Why not put premium fuel in?”

We’ve had a couple talks since then.

And once my work contract ends, I’ll put a lot of focus on the fuel we put into our bodies.

But I’m going to put as much premium fuel into my body as possible.

This morning?  My fuel is a squash/apple dish.  That’s almost everything that’s in it.   Total ingredients?  Squash, apples, onion, cinnamon, nutmeg.  Premium fuel.

And it’s fucking GOOD.


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Back in the Game

1st Derby practice of the fall.

I’m sore.

I’m sweaty.

I’m tired.

I’m so freaking happy to be on skates again.

Jane Bouting

This is where I want to be.  ON the track.  With mah team.  Kicking ass.

OH! And I’m thinking about changing my derby name from Jezebelle to Block Widow… or Widow Block’her

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Staying Healthy in Fire Camp (not as easy as you think)

I’m in Fire Camp.

For those who don’t know (and I certainly didn’t until last year), fire camp is a camp set up for the fire fighters and admin staff who are supporting the suppression efforts on fires.

Usually it’s because the fire was not conveniently located near a fire centre or base and as it usually goes with such inconsiderate fires, we’ve got it all set up in the middle of nowhere.

Trailers to work in. Ranger tents to sleep in. Personal tents if we prefer. Kitchen. Bathrooms. Showers. It’s a little town away from home.   Everything you could want.

Food is catered. Laundry is done for us. Bathrooms and trailers cleaned for us.

And the food… oh. my. gawd. The food.

It is catered and planned for the fire fighters. High energy, high calorie and full of fat and sustenance to keep them going. Because they need it.

I don’t.

I need about 1/3 of the calorie/fat intake they do.

But OH. MY. GAWD. It’s good.

So… trying to stay on my eating plan. Trying to stay within calories. Trying to not gain 10lbs like I did the last time.

The reality is that if I ate everything that they offer, I’d gain way more than 10lbs. I’d probably gain at least 20. (did I mention there’s ALWAYS cookies and baked goods?)

And then there’s dessert. Every. Single. Day.

We’re not talking some chintzy little thing. We’re talking a bowl FULL of trifle. Or apple pie/ice cream. Or chocolate brownie surprise.

It’s decadent.

Deserts are my weakness.

This time around – I’m determined to, at the very least, not gain any weight. I’d like to ideally lose some weight.

There’s water available at all times.

There’s fruit available at all times.

There’s a salad option at all times.

There’s the option of taking smaller portion sizes.

There’s a LOT of options I have for not gaining weight. And I’m going to exercise those options.

The other thing – where we’re situated – there’s a 10 min walk to the river. And at the river I can sit and relax and just enjoy 15 minutes of peace.

So my goal is 2x a day, walk to that spot on the river. I’m seriously contemplating setting up my tent down there and walking into work – it would force me to walk there and back at least 2x.   If I don’t set up my tent there – at the very least I’ll do a morning and evening walk.

And avoid the deserts.

Because in the end, it’s about the choices I make, not about what options are presented to me. Regardless of the options – I can always make good choices.


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The Mind Fuck

‘Scuse my language.

But I’m stuck in a mind fuck right now.

I’ve never been one of those gain, lose, gain roller coaster, yo-yo dieters . I’ve gained weight.  And stayed about that weight.  Gained a bit more weight.  Stayed about there.  Then gained more.

And then I found 1FW.

And I followed the program.

And I lost weight.

A significant amount of weight.

I lost a good 40lbs.

And then…. my relationship fell apart, and I started stress eating again.

And I gained weight.

First time in my life… I’d lost weight and gained weight.

And it fucked with my mind.  Seriously.

Suddenly I FEEL fat in a way I never had before.

I FEEL less strong, I FEEL less healthy, I FEEL less energetic.

It messes with your mind – seriously.

I’m trying to sort through it – and move past it, but I feel fat and unsexxy in a way I havent’ before.  I’ve lost a LOT of mojo and for the first time, I get how someone could end up weighing 600lbs.

I want that feeling of energy back. I want that feeling of health back.  I want the sexxy, confident woman back.

She’s in there.  I know logically I am a brilliant, bold, confident woman who has a LOT to offer someone.  But right now? I feel bloated and unsexxy and there’s a sense of “WHY” would anyone want to date me?

I’ll find her again.  I just need to unfuck my mind.

We Believe

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