How Did it Get THAT Bad?

I have a patient who’s 265lbs. (she may have lost weight – this the last weight I recorded)

She’s shorter than me, and fluffier. She’s older, but most importantly, she’s WAY LESS MOBILE.

I had another patient, younger than me, who was about 100lbs heavier.

She was slightly more mobile than my first patient.  Could walk around the ward.

The question that comes up every report… How did it get THAT bad?

How does one let themselves get to the point of being immobile, with cellulitis, unable to stand up straight, unable to walk from the bathroom to the bed?

How does it get that bad?

Because… you never think it is.  You keep doing what you keep doing… and then one day it hurts. It hurts to walk. It hurts to get off the couch. It hurts to do the workout that you’ve done in the past.  It hurts.

So you do what any logical, not-enjoying-pain person does… and you avoid the hurt.

Except….that’s the problem. Avoiding the hurt means that the maintenance of your current weight stops… and you continue to gain.

And you don’t really realize that it’s happening.

Except that it hurts to keep moving.

People will keep doing what they’re doing as long as the pain of changing outweighs the pain of staying the same.

Unfortunately – when you get to a certain point – the pain of changing is worse than the pain of staying the same. It hurts more to get up and walk and eat less than it does to keep eating and sit on the couch.

The pain of staying the same won’t hurt more than the pain of changing anytime soon.  You have to WANT to change more than you want to avoid the hurt.

That’s how things get that bad.  The change hurts more than staying the same.

It’s where I’m at now. The cusp of the pain of change hurting more than staying the same.

My knee hurts.  My back hurts.  I get short of breath on exertion and sometimes when I’m sitting still.

I’m becoming morbidly obese.

Because… it’s easier to stay where I’m at.

But I don’t want to be here.  I want to change more than I want to avoid the pain.

This is where I’m at.  The choice between staying the same and avoiding the hurt (which will ultimately hurt more later) or changing and short term suffering until I change enough.

I choose change.

I choose short term pain for long term gain and any other motivating cliche that would be appropriate here.

I don’t want to be a morbidly obese patient in my hospital that my colleagues talk about with pity behind my back.   I want to rock a bikini in Thailand in 8 months.

I want the change.


Posted in Exercise, Fitness, Self-esteem, Uncategorized, Weight Loss | Leave a comment

Whole 30 Day 7 – Stress and the cookies

I rocked prepping for my first day of work. I rocked it. Seriously.  Didn’t get out of bed until 1/2 hour before I needed to go and showered and popped my pre-made lunch into my bag…. was at work with 10 mins to spare.

I rocked it.

I had this.

Life was manageable with my Whole 30 plan and the work day.  I had a patient offer me a cookie and I said no!

Until 1030am. I’m called to the nurses station, my brother is there to let me know that my mother is in the ER.  She’s fallen and hit her head.

Stress skyrockets.

I hang out in the ER for an hour or so, then head back upstairs with a “please call me when you see her” to the doc.

I go back to work.

In the meantime.  Including dude #1, I was offered 5, count em, FIVE cookies today.


I even got close enough to smell one.

I waited for 4 hours before the doc called me. I had demanding, bell ringing patients. One of whom needed hourly pain meds.

And I was offered cookies.  And coffee from starbucks.  I only drink their calorie rich, fat laden coffees.

I said no.  To each and every one of them. I said no. I ate only the food I brought, had a peppermint tea and drank my water.

I stayed strong.

This isn’t about dieting for me. It’s about changing my relationship with food and I will be fuckered if I am going to eat my stress anymore.

I worked. I talked. I survived with yummy tea.

And I didn’t eat the cookie.

Image result for you eated my cookie

Someone else did :p

Posted in Fitness, Healing, Health, whole30 | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Whole 30 Day 6 – I broke the rules

One of the rules in the Whole 30 is to not weigh or measure yourself for 30 days.

I broke that rule on day 6.  I needed to.

You see – I was at the point of WHAT’S THE POINT.  I felt sick. I felt gross. I felt bloaty. I just wanted to EAT ALL THE THINGS.

So I weighed myself.  And the number is a happy number lower than what I was last Monday.  And I know that I shouldn’t be fixated on the number but I need to see progress of SOME sort or I feel like this is just a waste of my time.

So I weighed myself.

And I’m happy. And it gave me the oomph to keep going and find yet another meal for myself that was compliant.

Because it’s easier to keep going when I know there’s actual progress.

Day 6.  Tomorrow is my first day working. I have my meals *mostly* planned for the next 2 days.  And *mostly* packaged. And I will be able to stay compliant and *hopefully* not be tempted tooooo much.  After all – I’m a nurse and people like to give us yummy treats.

Sometimes you need to break the rules in order to find a reason to keep going.


Posted in Diet, Health, whole30 | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Day 2 – Whole 30

I was doing ok until about now.  I worked night shift last night, slept for 5 hours, woke up and was running errands until dinner. Cooked an amazing dinner. Ate. And settled in to my normal evening.

Dinner Day 2

Except my normal evening routine includes snacking on chips and having a pop.


What am I supposed to do? I’ve already told my husband no changing HIS habits – I can’t live my life in a bubble.

But what to do? I want to snack.

I also have a headache/tired thing going on (hangover day? UGH) and so defenses are minimal.

However… I found my solution.

Whole 30 version of trail mix.  Fresh blueberries and almonds.

It’ll work. I’ll drink some water along with it.  I’m not really hungry – just want the mindless munching and with not being able to have gum… I don’t have anything to distract me.

But day 2 in the bag. YAY!

Posted in Diet, Fitness, Health, Weight Loss, whole30 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Whole 30 take 2 (Day 1)

A year and a half ago I tried Whole 30.

I failed.  Well. I didn’t FAIL. I quit. I gave up after 4 days and a little old lady with her candy.

Apparently that was my sticking point – my point of “oooh hey! Look! I can’t do anything!”

But you know what? I can. I can do anything I freaking well set my mind to.

This is my day 1 again.

So for the next 30 days… I’m cutting out:

Baked goods/treats

I’m ok with this. My husband is being enormously supportive and not drinking with me for the next 30 days.

Today – I had fruit. And vegetables. And eggs. And chicken. And more vegetables. And more fruit. And all sorts of wonderful seasonings.


Lots of water.

Coffee black. Coffee with almond milk. Tea. More water.

The reality is that I’m going to suffer for the next couple days and when I get past the 1st week? I’ll be good. I’ll just have to maintain and keep going and let my body adjust to eating healthy.

I have a family gathering to go to in February. And I’m mentally preparing for it now.  Planning my food. Planning my DRINK. Because let’s face it. We’re gonna get our DRINK on…. except I’ll be drinking club soda with cucumber and mint or club soda with grapefruit or club soda with whatever amazing citrus I can come up with (lemon, lime and grapefruit?) And I will ENJOY GETTING MY NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK ON.

Because I can do this. I rock. I hope all these feelz last through the next 4 days.

Because someone said to me when I said I was starting in 2 days, “Sure… or 5 days… or a week… or not at all.” It devastated me. There was a complete lack of support and I was… blah. I cried. I honestly did.

Truth is, I’ve not moved forward in my health journey. I’ve taken so many steps back I can see how someone would end up being 500+ lbs. I can see where the pain of moving becomes greater than the pain of being fat.

I’m hoping that the Whole 30 will kick start me back to health, back to regular exercise, back to eating clean and eating well.

If nothing else – I will do 30 days of following a plan because *I* am worth the commitment to myself.

Posted in Diet, Exercise, Fitness, Health, whole30 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

All about the Steps

In my head I’m singing that title along to the tune of “All About that Bass” because that was the end of my night… all about the steps.  All about that bass.  All about those curves.

I’ve signed up with the Carrot App to get rewards for getting my steps in every day.

It calculates based on the previous week what your average step goal is and adjusts up or down depending on how often you met (or didn’t meet) your goal.

And you get to find friends.  And play with challenges. And earn points to your favourite reward program.  I choose Petro-Points – I like cheaper gas.

So I challenged someone.  The goal is that for 1 week, together we meet our individual goals 10 times.  I could do 7 and she does 3.  We could each do 5.  Or whatever combination works to get us 10 met goals within the week.

Yesterday neither of us met our goal.  The day before we both did.

Today… she met hers. I was about 1500 steps to mine. I wanted to meet my goal. I also wanted to sit on my couch snuggled up with the blanket I’m crocheting and just chill for the rest of the night.

We’re watching a show on Netflix, hubby and I.  It’s enjoyable. And when the episode we’re watching is over, hubby is like… Another?

Sure.  Let’s go to bed, snuggle up and watch another episode of the Ozark.

But first…

It’s all about those steps.  All about that bass. All about getting my ass off the couch and meeting my goal.

And I did.

I discovered a couple things during that walk on my treadmill.

  1. I could have walked for another 20 mins past my goal (the hubby was waiting so I didn’t)
  2. The socks I was wearing are VERY wrong for speed walking.  Blisters on my feet man…. blisters on my feet.
  3. I enjoy being physical. I’m pretty sure this isn’t a new revelation in my life. I just keep forgetting it.
  4. My plantar faciitis/bruised heel is healing well – I can walk for an hour and I can run again on my treadmill.  This excites me – I have goals.

SO it’s all about the steps, bout the steps, no couch potato.  It’s all about those steps, bout those steps no couch potato…

Posted in Fitness, Health | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Back to Running

I’m dipping my feet back into the running pool.

Not literally – figuratively.  I got back on my treadmill and did Day 1 of Week 1 of C25K.

I have been off my treadmill, off my skates since mid-July. Plantar faciitis SUCK DONKEY BALLS.

I’m a happy girl. It gives me hope of getting back on my roller skates soon and playing roller derby again.  I remember how much I loved it – and I miss it.

And today – I was able to walk/run again. Despite the plantar faciitis.

Tomorrow?  Probably yoga. But Friday will be running again. I WILL get back to where I can play derby again.

Posted in Exercise, Fitness, Roller Derby, Running | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment