Oh Hey! Derby!!

Tonight was my first practice of the fresh meat season.  There’s not a lot of fresh meat.  I would love to see more fresh meat in practice.

But today was a good “get myself back in derby shape” start.

And oh do I need to get back in derby shape.

2 new people at practice… but it was fun. And it hurt.  Oh how the muscles that haven’t been worked in a while hurt.

But I’m looking forward to a new season, new skaters, and getting myself in derby shape.

Derby vs Killbillies lead

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I haven’t seen that number in… I don’t know how long.

To be fair… I weighed myself at the end of the day, on the first day of my period.

To be fair… the number won’t change that much tomorrow before I eat anything stark nekkid.

But it’s a good wake up call of how far out I’ve come and how much I’ve relied on stress eating to get me through the past few weeks.

Eat all the food.

Eat all the bad food.

Eat all the good food (but too much!)

Drink all the alcohol.

I have the book “Whole 30” waiting for me at the local bookstore.  I have these excuses in my head… I can’t cut back on all things dairy. I can’t not eat this. I can’t not eat that.

I need a better program.

I need a simpler program.

I need a different program.

I don’t.

I have a program that works. I have proven it to myself. All I have to do is FOLLOW IT!

Say no to the chips, the candy, the extra helping, the dessert.

Say yes to more water, the greens, the tea instead of coffee.

And follow my program – which means getting involved in my online group, eating healthy and working out every day.

But just DO it.  DON’T look for excuses why it can’t… look for reasons it CAN happen.

I asked my man if it had been obvious I’d gained weight.  He said yes.  And the question in my head is… “Why did you keep indulging me and why didn’t you say anything?”

But the real question is why did I keep eating the way I was?

There were a lot of reasons – but mostly I was stress eating.

And now, the stress is still there, but I refuse to stress eat any longer.

I will talk. I will exercise. I will blog. I will play music. I will craft. I will clean.

But I will eat for fuel and sustenance for the next while – to allow my body to get back to where it needs to be.

I feel gross. I feel unhealthy. I don’t feel ready for derby season.

Here’s to a different choice… starting now.

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Almost Gave Up

The voices in my head are fucking awful to me.

They are the echoes of things people have said to me all my life.  The reason I quit before I find success usually.

“I don’t know why you’re trying”

“You’re not going to get any better”

“You’re not good enough”

“You never finish anything anyhow so it doesn’t matter”

The thing with those voices… is they drown out any determination or motivation or desires I have.

So I set up a challenge 5 days ago.  Burpees and squats.

Last challenge I set up I got to day 10 before failing falling off the wagon.

I meant to catch up.

I never did.

And then I started another challenge.  5 days ago.

And 5 days in…. I’m 2 days behind.

Easy catch up.  It’s at the beginning, do 2 days in 1 for 2 days and I’m caught up.

And the voices kicked in…

And it’s my period.

And I’m running late.

And…. then another voice kicked in.

“I’m really proud of you for coming out running with me.”

Now…. understand that running with her was more of me doing a run/walk while she ran ahead and back.

But her voice stuck in my head.

I did my 2 days of burpees and squats.

And here I am.  Finding my motivation.

Because ONE positive encouraging voice overwhelmed years of voices that beat up on me.

And for today?  I feel stronger and more determined.

Motivation Quote

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WTF Happend?

It’s derby season again.

I’m stronger. I’m more stable.  I’m slightly more agile.

I’m better at the beginning of this year than I was at the end of last year.

Also, I never ever see myself from a profile.

So when I saw pics from the 2nd and 3rd bouts of the year… there’s a LOT of side shots.  And because we were short benched… There’s a LOT of me.

And when I saw them… I saw something totally different than what anyone else sees.

You see, they all see me from the side on a regular basis. They know how I look.

These pictures… people commented things like “You look so powerful in this picture!”

And all I see is.. HOLY FUCKING FAT ROLLS!

I’ve got the star on my head in the pic on the left and I’m the one with all the rolls on the right.

I’m wedding dress shopping (wedding is just over a year away) and I hate everything.  Ok, maybe hate is too strong of a word.  But I’m not happy with any of them. I haven’t yet put on a dress and thought “This makes me feel beautiful.  This is the one”

And now I know why.

Because no matter how I hide it… the ROLLS are always there.

They prevent me from loving my body and pictures of me in action.

They prevent me from loving the dresses I’ve tried on (which I’m not going to post pictures of here, because the Sexxy Chef reads this on occasion.)

They prevent me from being happy.

I read somewhere (if I’m feeling ambitious later I’ll look up the research and cite something in a comment) that excess fat leads to excess estrogen which leads to an increased risk of depression.

People.  I’m already at HIGH risk for depression. I’m already at risk of drowning in sadness and apathy. I have a history of clinical depression.

So being this size, bumping up against 270lbs, all of this runs me the risk of falling into a huge depression.


The funk has started.

The random tears have started.

The apathy towards finishing school has started.

So I have 2 choices.

  1. I can let it continue.  Eat the candy. Eat the chips.  Drink the rum and coke. Exercise only at derby practice.  Sit on my ass the rest of the time.
  2. Change what I’m doing.  Stop eating the sugar. Control my caloric intake.  Add something exercise every day. Move my body every 15 mins when I’m in class.

One choice leads to a miserable life and awful unhappy wedding photos.

The other leads to the life I want.

Easy choice, right?

Not really.  Apathy is actually easier.  That’s why people have a hard time getting out of depression and getting fit. Apathy is the easier of the two paths.

But it’s not the path I’m taking.

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That’s how much 1.44 miles translates to.

Or 27 mins. Because 5 min cool down walking at 2.5 or 2 mph SUCKS.

But doing the C25K at 3mph walk and 4mph run translated to 1.44 miles.  2.3kms

In my head… I kept hearing a Pixie saying “KEEP MOVING YOUR FEET”

thanks Pixie.

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New Muscles!!!

So my whole derby career I’ve had an issue with my feet. My right foot especially.

I hop on my toe stops…and my right foot has a shooting pain in the ball of my foot.

It makes toe stop work… difficult.

So I managed I worked around it.

I played without going on my toe stops as much as possible.

Finally – I found a solution.  Tape my 3rd and 4th toes together.

Holy hell.  No more pain. I can go up on my toe stops.

And now? I have a new problem.

My calf muscles… specifically the fibularis longus, is freaking SCREAMING at me now.


See that? Up there?  The issue I was having was where the first metatarsal bone met the first phalange.  That’s right above the point where the fibularis longus tendon meets the medial cuneiform.

So I tape the 3rd and 4th toes together, and it solved my problem with the pain.  Now… the pain has moved.

I’ve discovered new muscles.  This will be a temporary issue for me – unless I find a solution sooner rather than later, but holy CRAP new muscles!

I think the most interesting thing about this… is not only how interconnected everything is, but also the fact that it fascinated me figuring this stuff out.

I love derby. I love anatomy.  Its fun that I get to intersect the two.


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Derby Love

And then there’s that moment…

… when you have a fantastic hit on an opposing team member.

… when you manage to do what you’re supposed to and hold back the jammer.

… when you get separated from your team and instead of just hanging around uselessly, you fuck up their shit and your jammer gets through.

… when you’re blocking and an opposing team member elbows you so hard in the chin that you’re seriously thinking you may have a concussion (I didn’t, or if I do it’s seriously mild)

…when you come back from resting from said hit (half a game and 3 hours between) and tell the coach you’d like to jam…that you’ll let him know when you’re able to.

… when your coach puts you on the jammer roster immediately so you’re jamming EVERY. FOUR. JAMS.

… when you find your strength in jamming and you make some spectacular (for you) plays.

… when you are able to hold your own without too many concessions or handicaps while jamming.

… when you realize you’ve jammed half a game and are ready for more.

… when you’re playing blocker for the 2nd half and figure out how to go from offence to defence and do it well.

… when people compliment you on your strength and your ability to jam and you’re not quite sure how to take it.

… when you realize.. that as ambivalent as you may have been about going… it was the best thing that could have happened to get your focus back on the sport you love.

… when your spouse supports and encourages you to play… to travel… to practise… and is willing to push you to do it.

… those are the moments that you’ll remember.  Because they make derby awesome.

Today was an amazing day of learning, growing, and playing to my strengths… both the ones I was aware of and the ones I didn’t know I had.

I played, I got hurt, I played some more…and I had so much fun.

Derby Love people!  Derby love…

I love my sport!


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