It’s derby season again.
I’m stronger. I’m more stable. I’m slightly more agile.
I’m better at the beginning of this year than I was at the end of last year.
Also, I never ever see myself from a profile.
So when I saw pics from the 2nd and 3rd bouts of the year… there’s a LOT of side shots. And because we were short benched… There’s a LOT of me.
And when I saw them… I saw something totally different than what anyone else sees.
You see, they all see me from the side on a regular basis. They know how I look.
These pictures… people commented things like “You look so powerful in this picture!”
And all I see is.. HOLY FUCKING FAT ROLLS!
I’ve got the star on my head in the pic on the left and I’m the one with all the rolls on the right.
I’m wedding dress shopping (wedding is just over a year away) and I hate everything. Ok, maybe hate is too strong of a word. But I’m not happy with any of them. I haven’t yet put on a dress and thought “This makes me feel beautiful. This is the one”
And now I know why.
Because no matter how I hide it… the ROLLS are always there.
They prevent me from loving my body and pictures of me in action.
They prevent me from loving the dresses I’ve tried on (which I’m not going to post pictures of here, because the Sexxy Chef reads this on occasion.)
They prevent me from being happy.
I read somewhere (if I’m feeling ambitious later I’ll look up the research and cite something in a comment) that excess fat leads to excess estrogen which leads to an increased risk of depression.
People. I’m already at HIGH risk for depression. I’m already at risk of drowning in sadness and apathy. I have a history of clinical depression.
So being this size, bumping up against 270lbs, all of this runs me the risk of falling into a huge depression.
AND I FEEL IT HAPPENING.
The funk has started.
The random tears have started.
The apathy towards finishing school has started.
So I have 2 choices.
- I can let it continue. Eat the candy. Eat the chips. Drink the rum and coke. Exercise only at derby practice. Sit on my ass the rest of the time.
- Change what I’m doing. Stop eating the sugar. Control my caloric intake. Add something exercise every day. Move my body every 15 mins when I’m in class.
One choice leads to a miserable life and awful unhappy wedding photos.
The other leads to the life I want.
Easy choice, right?
Not really. Apathy is actually easier. That’s why people have a hard time getting out of depression and getting fit. Apathy is the easier of the two paths.
But it’s not the path I’m taking.