I made a comment to someone tonight:

“I get it. I’m the newest, freshest, slowest, fattest, least co-ordinated. But could ya not make me feel like shit about it?”

It was in response to what happened over the weekend. And how I felt after the Superhero Showdown.

And tonight, I saw pictures.

(all photos by Steven Dubas)

And ya know what?  I don’t see myself the way those pictures show me.  I don’t FEEL that fat.  I don’t FEEL that uncoordinated.

I don’t get how I can look in the mirror and not see that.

How can I look in the mirror and see the good about me, and sorta slide my eyes away from the crap.

Because when someone points it out in whatever way they do… it’s like a serious gut punch to realize that yes, I AM that fat… especially when I’m surrounded by people so much fitter than me.

I’m getting there – I’m getting slimmer and feeling better and have more energy and am stronger than before.  But I’m still going to be going through this season as the BIGGEST person on our team, in the surrounding areas, and generally the weakest player.

So I have 2 options.

  1. Cry about it and eat chips.
  2. Do something about it.

So I’m going to (continue to) do something about it.

It’s not worth the chips. It’s not worth not taking care of myself.  It’s not worth the pity party.

But it’s worth it to get up at 5.30am and work out. And get stronger.  And get leaner.  And get faster.

There’s a woman on the Prince George team I look up to. She’s got the body shape I think I’ll have when I get to where I want to be.  She’s fast.  She’s strong.  She’s an amazing derby player.

Jeneral Carnage

#363 – Jeneral Carnage.

I don’t yet have the guts to ask her what she does, although one of my teammates has told me she’s on some program.  But I look up to her as a derby player.  And she’s who I strive to … not be, because I want to be me, but emulate as I grow in my skills and strength.

I’ll get there.

In the meantime… I may be the slowest, fattest, least co-ordinated and weakest player, but could y’all remember that I’m doing my best and trying my hardest and I do it because I fucking love the game?

That’d be great 🙂

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About sunnyjane

On a journey of fitness, health and healing. One blog focuses primarily on health & fitness (sunnyjane.wordpress.com) and the other is about my path through widowhood (widowspath.wordpress.com) Life is a Journey. I'm learning to enjoy the ride.
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One Response to

  1. Jocelyn says:

    I think your amazing and with everything greatness takes time and dedication. You have the will power to get there. I have faith in you and you might not see your self threw my eyes but I see strength, not fat or slow. I see determination and greatness. I see a beautiful women trying to better herself and surrounding herself with others that are all doing the same.
    You got more guts and glory then most can ever say. Try not to be to hard on your self mentally, because you will be where you want to be in time.
    Lots of love,
    ~Jawbreaker
    P.s I will ask Geneal for ya and be in touch.

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