Killing Myself Slowly

I deal with stress through food.

I deal with pain through food.

I deal with the hole in my chest (figuratively not literally) with food.

I have been eating a LOT of food lately.

Good food.

Bad food.

REALLY bad food.

A lot of it lately.

Even when I’m not hungry.  Even when I know it’s not good.  Even when I know I’ll feel like shit afterwards.

I eat.

I have this dual thing going on in my head… “what are you doing? Why are you eating that? You don’t need that.  You don’t want that” along side the “filltheholefilltheholefillthehole” chant in my brain.

And so I eat.

And I feel like crap.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Mentally.

I feel like utter crap.

But I still eat.

So I’ve sorta decided that I am killing myself slowly.   I must be, right? Because if I didn’t want to feel like crap, I wouldn’t eat.

But I eat.

SO I must like it.

Fuck.

Happy Sunday.

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About sunnyjane

On a journey of fitness, health and healing. One blog focuses primarily on health & fitness (sunnyjane.wordpress.com) and the other is about my path through widowhood (widowspath.wordpress.com) Life is a Journey. I'm learning to enjoy the ride.
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2 Responses to Killing Myself Slowly

  1. Rose Chimera says:

    When I lost my sense of smell and taste (motorcycle accident that I almost died from) I was able to truly appreciate how we eat emotionally. I couldn’t smell food, taste food and due to brain injury had short term memory loss so I didn’t remember to eat. But…when I was frustrated, angry, scared, lost, confused, etc., all as a result of the injuries I would eat. And eat…whatever. I ate to fill voids…emotional voids. Do you know what void you’re trying to fill with that food? Maybe that warrants a little exploration. Just a thought. 🙂

  2. sunnyjane says:

    Sadly I do. *sigh*

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