I’m not sure why exactly.
For the record, I’ve been off my anti-depressants for a few weeks. Entirely. There’s all these FEELINGS that pop up. Go figure. Take away the emotion-controlling meds – feel shit.
So yeah. Today is an emotional day.
There’s feelings about my ex-relationship.
There’s feelings about my dead husband.
There’s feelings about my physical self.
There’s feelings about my financial issues.
What it comes down to is that I feel. I feel angry because I had to cancel NSO’ing this weekend. It’s the logical choice – my car isn’t all that safe to be driving back and forth between PG and Quesnel right now (tire issue – need to find a tire) and while I have a place to stay – I am not comfortable leaving my boys alone for a weekend. And with all the homework I have to do this week/end – having that time to DO so is amazingly awesome. So maybe the universe conspired to ensure I had study time this weekend? (ask an you shall get??)
But yeah. The other part of the anger comes from not being able to participate in derby right now.
This week is spring break. We dont’ have access to our usual practice space so we’re doing an off skate practice. The outdoor track is wet, no real place to skate, so we’re doing an off skate workout.
I can’t keep up. With the flu that has hit me, I’m struggling to keep up with a full day of school. The plan tonight involves *some* jogging (about 3 minutes) but really – I can’t walk from my car, and then up the stairs to my class without getting winded. And not out of shape winded, lung capacity diminished because of the flu winded.
And that PISSES ME OFF.
I want to be well. I want to be physical. I want to not look like THIS:
I do not look sexxy.
I felt nekkid. Aside from the lack of gear… I was wearing a shirt that barely covered my boobs, no bra and ALL THE FAT ROLLS were ALL OVER THE PLACE.
I did *not* feel sexxy. Or strong. Or beautiful.
And seeing those pictures… I feel even less so.
Because I dont’ get to see myself. In my head… I’m much more fit and sexxy than I actually am.
And I wonder why anyone thinks I’m sexxy. I feel “not surprised” when guys don’t want to date me.
Yep…. this is a pity party. We all have em. This is mine. I can’t work out with my derby team. I can’t skate for any length of time. I can’t work out. I can’t go for a walk. I can’t NSO. I feel overwhelmed and stressed about my homework load.
And I’m in tears writing this and I know I’ll feel better about myself when I’m done crying about it… but for now? I want to get fit and feel like my body is conspiring against me.
Happy Freaking Tuesday. I’m going to do what I can. Miss derby practice again, hope I’m fit enough to pass the fit test next week, and pull up my socks and hope for more energy tomorrow.