Control & Anxiety – redux.

Published this… lost it in cyberspace… WTF? 

I have anxiety.

It has, in the past, ruled my life.

It has affected relationships, jobs, and my sense of self.

I know things that curb it:

Exercise.

Healthy, whole foods.

Gratitude journals.

Medication.

I also know the things that exacerbate it:

Alcohol.

Drugs.

Getting stuck in my own head.

I have had a lot of life changes in the past 3 years.

A LOT.

Surprisingly, my anxiety and stress are at an all time low.

Today, however, my anxiety kicked in.  My anxiety went into overdrive.   And tears started falling, because for a few moments… I felt out of control.  I felt like I had no choices.

And that’s the thing about anxiety.    It’s about the fear of loss of control.    The “what if he dies?”  “what if he leaves me?”  “what if I lose the house?”  “what if my credit is fucked?”

And you know what?

None of that is under my control.

He died.

He left me.

I lost the house.

My credit is already fucked.

And you know what else?

There are always different paths.  There are always different solutions.  There are always different options.

Over the last couple days, I’ve financially been through the ringer.

You know what? It doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t change what *IS* it only changes what *WILL BE* in my life.

Over the last few days, I’ve emotionally been through the wringer.

You know what?  It doesn’t matter.   It doesn’t change what *IS* it only changes what *WILL BE* in my life.

I can’t change what is.  I can change what will be.

I can’t control what is.  I can control what will be.

I’ve made mistakes.  I’ve screwed up some things.   That’s what is.

I now have the option of continuing to make those mistakes or change what will be.

Someone said to me that they liked how I didn’t play the “victim of life” role… but I have felt like that.

The reality is, I am not.  I am not a victim of my life – I am the fucking star.

Things happened that were out of my control.    And the only thing I can do about it, is influence the things directly in my control.

For today?   That means exercise.  I’m not sure what because of the aggravation of my meniscus tears, but I will find some exercise I can do to get my “stress sweat” going.  Because I can control that.  And I know I will feel better.

For today?  That also means food choices.  I have healthy, whole foods in my house.  Not much, but I have them.  And I will eat them, rather than the cookies or whatever.

For today?  That also means doing my homework.  Putting that crap off means more stress on Monday.  I don’t need to add stress to next week.

For today?  It means knowing what IS in my control and what is not.   For today, it means knowing what is MINE and what is someone elses to deal with.

For today?  It means knowing this: “Don’t settle and remember you first. The rest falls into place when you are good with you!!”  – Michelle Steinke-Baumgard, 1FW

For today…. it means taking careof me.  And taking care of my kids.  And taking care of what’s in front of me.

Because that’s all I can do.

I can’t control anything beyond that.

Now… to go find some exercise I can do while baby’ing my knee…

Exercise Underutilized No Remote

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About sunnyjane

On a journey of fitness, health and healing. One blog focuses primarily on health & fitness (sunnyjane.wordpress.com) and the other is about my path through widowhood (widowspath.wordpress.com) Life is a Journey. I'm learning to enjoy the ride.
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