According to Albert Einstein, the definition of insanity is “Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results”
Yeah. I’ve been insane lately.
I’ve reverted back to eating habits that brought me to 270lbs.
I’ve reverted to exercise habits that left me gasping for air up a flight of stairs.
I’ver reverted to hydration habits that leaves me parched and sucking back whatever liquid that touches my lips like it’s the last liquid I’ll ever see.
And I’ve gone insane.
I’m not happy. And I’ve been blaming it on other people.
I’m not happy because he’s not doing this. Because the children ARE doing that. Because no one is doing the other thing and I have to fucking do it ALL.
A conversation with the man and I went something along the lines of “I’m not telling you you’re doing it WRONG, just that it could be done DIFFERENT”
But the insanity, coupled with my depression and anxiety, added to the mix of not fueling my body correctly, left me feeling… inadequate. Not good enough. Not enough.
(oh wait! that’s a long running theme from my childhood… never good enough)
My goal, for the last 11 weeks of this year, is to do the things I know work.
Follow my fitness program. Eat clean, whole foods. Assume the best of the people around me. Love with my whole heart. Love MYSELF and accept that I AM enough. I am MORE than enough.
Because someone told me – and I don’t remember who – that the things I see reflected back at me are the things in myself I’m not happy with.
I want to be at peace with myself. I want to be happy with myself. I want to be ENOUGH for myself.
And then, when I’ve achieved that, I will FEEL that I am for everyone else.