This is my new WHY:
Fuck you. That’s why. Fuck you for saying I’m not good enough, not sexy enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not *enough*
Somewhere in the last few weeks – I’ve gotten angry.
I’m angry that my first reaction is to reach for food when I’m happy, sad, hurting or celebrating.
I’m angry that the food we ate poisoned our bodies and ultimately killed my husband.
I’m angry that society views poison as “treats” and “rewards” for our children.
I’m angry that because of that… it’s a struggle for me to get healthy whole foods into my children and step-children and especially my man – because they’re all addicted to the sugar and chemicals (as I have been)
I’m angry because I’m 230+ (don’t know exactly because my scale is in the landfill dammit) and I don’t have the energy for 5 boys under 13.
I’m angry because for almost 40 years, I’ve sabotaged myself. Over. And Over. And Over.
I remember when I was in grade 5 and the school district was bringing late french immersion in to the school – starting for grade 5’s and the next year and I thought – “I’ll just fail this year so I can go in it next year” (I didn’t)
I quit grade 12 FOUR WEEKS before graduation. I still don’t have my grade 12.
I quit college after my first year.
I quit so many jobs over the years. So many diets. So many things.
The only thing I didn’t quit was my marriage and that was taken from me because of poor food and lifestyle choices.
I have a text from my husband from a few days before he got sick – how he was renewing his commitment to health and then that was it. 3 days later he was in the hospital. Done. Too little, too late and I’m ANGRY because we KNEW years before that we needed to make a change and we didn’t.
I don’t want to leave my children orphans. I don’t want the latter half of my life to be in pain and sick and miserable.
I look at Michelle and Keith and I see the life I want – happy, adventurous and full of love and life.
I want to have energy and joy in my life again. I want to be the best possible “me” I can be… and show my children and step children that there’s more to life than tv’s and computers and video games.
Because fuck you for telling me I can’t have those things. Because I can. And I deserve it.