Sabotage

I have been sabotaging myself lately.

Specifically the last couple days.

Bailey’s in coffee.

Chocolates.

Chocolate cookies.

Not logging.

Not exercising beyond roller derby and that has been a struggle.

Not being accountable.

Not drinking my water.

Drinking LOTS of coffee (some with Bailey’s)

The amazing ice cream/coffee energy drink/Bailey’s drink I had 2 of the other night.

Lunch today? Beef dip and fries and gravy.  With ketchup.

Breakfast was crepe’s and whipped cream.

I have been sabotaging myself and I dont. know. why.

Christmas?  Maybe.

Grief? Maybe.

Broke? Perhaps.

In the end, the only thing I’ve been getting out of it has been a gut ache, a head ache, and for the first time ever… guilt.

I know better.  I know how to do better. I know how to BE better.

It’s like I’ve been in a fog of “I don’t give a rats patootie” and its affecting *everything*

Right now, I care.  Right now, I’m on my 2nd 20-oz bottle of water.  Right now, I’m wishing I had a healthy snack because I’m hungry from not having eaten anything healthy or whole.

Right now, I wish I could go exercise.

Right now, I have a mental plan to re-centre myself, to reorient myself and to get back to the way of life that I was enjoying.

I like shedding weight.  I like exercising.  I like feeling healthy.  I like starting my day well.

I look around my house and see the mess, the clutter, the disarray and the only thing I can think of is that my house reflects my mental and emotional state which reflects on my choices.

I almost wish I wasn’t going to roller derby testing tomorrow so I can sort out my life.  But I have time tonight to sort things out.  And I will.   And we’ll have Christmas decorating.  And I will get my head on straight.  And tonight…

I will exercise.  Plyometrics here I come 🙂

Exercise Underutilized

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About sunnyjane

On a journey of fitness, health and healing. One blog focuses primarily on health & fitness (sunnyjane.wordpress.com) and the other is about my path through widowhood (widowspath.wordpress.com) Life is a Journey. I'm learning to enjoy the ride.
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