I don’t know if I’ve disclosed in this blog (I probably have) but I have battled depression for a number of years.
Only one time have I felt that I have “overcome” my depression and anxiety. It came with a realization that I could handle whatever life would throw my way. I sought counselling, and with the help of my awesome psychologist and some really hard work… I was able to discontinue my meds and move on with life. Even after I lost my job, I still was more than able to handle life and whatever it threw at me.
And then my husband got sick. It was 2 years later, and I thought I’d be ok. I thought he’d be ok. I thought everything would be ok. But the depression came back anyhow… and it was not ok.
He died and nothing was ok.
It has been over 15 months since he died. Things in my life have changed… some things are amazingly more than ok. Some things are beyond wonderful.
And I figure, I should be ok and ready to discontinue my meds again.
I think I’m wrong.
I’ve been playing with my meds. I take them, missing a dose on purpose here and there. I’m sorta trying to wean myself off them.
I don’t think it’s working.
I have seriously fucked my diet today. I have eaten more than I need to. I have eaten things I shouldn’t have. And I want more.
I’m fighting tears, I’m fighting the emotions.
My house is a disaster, and I keep thinking I should clean it, but then I realize that time has passed and I’ve done nothing.
I think that this is not the time to be messing with my meds or trying to discontinue them. I think that while I’m doing everything right – exercising, derby, eating clean – there’s still a lot of grief that I simply have not come to terms with. It may not be depression per se – but it is just as debilitating.
I’m going to go back to taking my meds regularly for a while. I’m going to continue to do what I’m doing and pushing myself to get healthier, and in 6 months, I’ll see if I can wean off the meds.
But for now… I need them. For now… I’m ok with taking them and maintaining a level mood.
Mental health is so very important. I need to safeguard it the same way I’m safeguarding my physical health.