Not because of the burritos we had for dinner last night, but the passion for life that I had.
Its been missing.
I started One Fit Widow and the founder has everyone write a letter of WHY they want to get fit. WHY its important to them. WHY they want to join the program.
Yesterday, I re-read my WHY.
- I need and want to be an active parent to my two boys and my boyfriend’s three boys.
- I want to play roller derby.
- I want to pass the roller derby skills benchmarks.
- I can’t currently haul my ass around the derby track 25 times in 5 minutes and they upped the number of laps to 27 in 5.
- Did I mention I want to play roller derby?
- I want to be able to run up stairs without having to stop at the top and catch my breath
- I want to be able to shop at ANY STORE I WANT TO and not have to ask “do you sell this in plus sizes?”
- I want to be able to wrestle with my boyfriend and not worry about hurting him
- I want to be able to snuggle half on top of my boyfriend without worrying that he can’t breathe
- I want to be able to be comfortable in my skin
- I want to LOOK as good as my brain tells me I do – its always a shock when I look in the mirror or see pictures of myself and I’m like… why didn’t anyone tell me I looked like THAT!!?!??!
- My husband died a year ago – I want to be around for my boys for a long time.
- I want to hike the Grouse Grind
- I want to be comfortable in my skin
- I know I mentioned roller derby but its worth mentioning again
- I want to be a good example for my kids
- I want to feel good. I don’t know how to distinguish between grief and depression but dammit good endorphins are necessary to move through either.
- I want a better way to cope with the pain. Current methods involve food, curling up on my couch and drinking… they are not working anymore.
- I want to be healthy
- I want to be able to get life insurance
- I want, desperately, to feel ok about myself.
- I want to be able to do a burpee or a jumping jack and NOT feel my belly slap against my thighs.
- I want to play roller derby.
There are a million reasons why… but the most important is that I’m ready to do it. I’ve heard the 2nd year is harder than the first and I need tools to help me cope… and I hate how I feel and look.
Nothing in my why has changed. The only thing that has changed is that the exhaustion of the past few months has left me with no desire, no passion, no drive… and I want that back.
Tonight is derby. Gawd I miss derby. I don’t have the same passion I did before, but I know that lack of passion comes from the exhaustion.
I want that passion back.
I want to play derby.
I want want want the fire in my belly back – the WHY of wanting to be fit and healthy.
In one hour I will be lacing up skates essentially for the first time in 9 months. 9. Months. That’s a long time to be off skates. I know that some things have changed for me, but I need the feeling of strength and power and confidence I had when I was skating.
Tonight I start getting that back.
In 6 months – I’m going to have this picture redone:
Just because I can 🙂