I am my own worst enemy.
I want to do something, but then I’m afraid of *how I will look* when I’m doing it.
When I was going to practice, I had no problem putting on my skates and skating with the rest of the team – it didn’t matter if I was the slowest or had to stop more frequently than others, I was part of the team and I was skating.
When I go for a walk, I have no problem going for a walk with a friend. After all – then there’s two of us.
When I do yoga, I prefer to do it at home, with a friend. Or by myself. But not in a class.
Why? Because I don’t like how I LOOK doing things.
I have it in my head that the three very slim women who walked past me today are looking at me thinking (or saying to each other) “OMG… look at that FATTIE walking down the trail!! Can you believe someone let themselves get THAT BIG??”
I have it in my head that people are talking behind my back and laughing at me.
I posted about how I couldn’t do yoga because it’s for *skinny people*.
And you know what?
IT DOESN’T EFFIN MATTER!!!
They might be talking behind my back.
They might be laughing at me.
They might be thinking nasty, judgemental thoughts about me.
NONE OF IT IS ANY OF MY BUSINESS!!!
It’s not going to affect me if the size 2 chick walking along with her Starbucks laughs at me – she’s not my friend, she’s not my support, she’s no one I know. She’s a stranger and I’ll probably never see her again.
I get in my own way. I make up excuses as to why I can’t. I am afraid of what people *might* say. I am afraid of what people *might* think.
And none of it matters.
I feel good when I exercise. I feel healthy and strong and fit and powerful when I do the workouts I want to.
I get in my own way.
I haven’t put on skates in almost 6 months. I miss it. I stare at the tracks, I ache when I see the dry roads, I want to weep when I watch a bout. I want to be on skates.
But I get in my own way.
There’s always an excuse. What it all comes down to though… is that I’m afraid.
I’m not sure yet if I’m afraid of success or if I’m afraid of failure, but I’m afraid.
And I get in my own way.
Today, I brought a change of clothes and my running shoes to work. I told my co-workers that I was going to walk to the bank to do the banking.
When it came time to do the banking – they reminded me of what I’d planned which sorta forced me to go, despite my head getting in my own way.
I put my iPod on some bouncy music… and I went.
I got out of my own way.
But really – I have my co-workers to thank for actually getting out there today – if it wasn’t for them, I probably wouldn’t have walked today.
But I did 🙂
Now to keep getting out of my own way…. and go skating.