It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve blogged.
Hard to blog when all you have to say is “I’ve lost steam. I’m screwing up. I’m making bad choices. Life sucks because memories and emotions and grief is getting in the way”
That’s what happened.
I did, however, have a bit of an “aha!!!” moment today. My go-to when I’m stressed/upset/sad is sugar. Give me a large vanilla latte w/sugar and I’m a happy girl again. Or a chocolate pecan tart. Or both at once.
Overload me with sugar and I’ve got my drug of choice, stuffed those emotions deep down and now I can carry on.
There’s a LOT of emotions.
Grief. Frustration. Stress. Sadness. Panick. Fear. Lonliness. Helplessness.
All there. Hovering just below the surface but I can bitch slap them back down if I shove enough chocolate and cake on top of them.
Hey guess what? I’m not losing weight.
I’m not getting healthier.
I’m not getting fitter.
I’m not happier.
You know what happens to drug addicts, right? They develop a tolerance. They have to have MORE to get the same high they had when they first tried it.
I am addicted to sugar in a similar way. I crave it. I have to deal with withdrawls when I don’t get my fix. I use it the same way an addict uses his or her drug of choice when life starts beating them down.
It’s worked, until now.
Now… I’m not happy about it. I need to find new coping skills. I need to find new skills to manage the stress and depression and anger and frustration and helplessness and hopelessness.
Because the sugar cravings have GOT to go.
The question is… cold turkey? Or cut back gradually? I can’t drink coffee without sugar so I don’t know if I can do cold turkey – but I could perhaps cut it back to my morning coffee only and then nothing after 10am.
But sugar has to go. It’s causing me more stress than it’s alleviating.