Have I mentioned that I love roller derby? How much I love skating? How much I love being a part of the team? How excited I was to be playing this upcoming season?
What happens when something you love that much collides with something more important? And you have to make a choice?
Something has to give. Something has to let go to allow for the something more to take precendence.
In my case – it was my kids. The death of their father has left my kids shaken. Their world is no longer solid, secure and safe; they feel fear.
When they went to bed, Dad was fine. Life was fine. When they woke up, Dad was in the hospital, never to come home.
And every night before bed, the questions come: “Are you staying up? Will you still be here? Are you staying home?” They need to know that I’m here, and keeping their world safe.
Roller derby takes me away from them two nights a week. Two nights a week, they don’t get a decent sleep, they stay up until I’m home, and they are begging me to stay home.
As bouting season comes upon us, there’s going to be committee meetings, volunteer hours, bouts, away bouts, and more time away from them.
I can’t make that kind of committment. I can’t promise my team I will give as much as I want to, because my kids WILL COME FIRST.
So rather than letting the team down over the course of the season, I changed directions.
I’ll NSO. I’ll volunteer. I’ll be involved on the events committee. And my skating time will be with my boys. At public skates, I’ll take them down to Lynden WA to the skateway there, I’ll do the speed training, I’ll pop into Raw Meat to keep my skills up, and when Fresh Meat starts up again in fall – my boys should feel secure enough to allow me to get back into roller derby as much as I need to.
But for now… I’ve stepped away from skating on the team. I will not be retesting.
For the record… it’s just about killing me. The thought of not playing has me in tears. I’ve worked so hard to be a part of the league and get myself to bouting readiness… and now I’m going to step back from that.
But I will find amazing awesomeness in NSO’ing and in volunteering, and I will take joy in spending time with my boys.
They only want mom for a short while, after all.