There’s a lot of days I feel like I’m stagnant. That I’ve not gone as far or as fast as I should have. I didn’t meet this goal or that goal or the other goal.
Some days I feel like… I should just do one of those fad diets and jump start my weight loss and then I’ll see some immediate changes. I know they’re not healthy; I know they’re not sustainable; but they work… in the short term.
I really really don’t believe in them though. I really have a problem with them. I truly feel that eating healthy, eating unprocessed foods, drinking adequate water and exercising is the best way to lose weight and get/stay healthy.
So I keep trying, I keep slipping up, but I always go back to trying.
Today, I was looking through some old pictures. Specifically a picture of my 38th birthday…
I was big. I was really big. That shirt there? It’s loose on me now.
I am noticeably smaller now. My face is smaller. My arms are smaller. My midsection is smaller.
This is after the worst. fucking. year. ever. I’ve still done enough to lose 25lbs, almost pass my derby skillz test, and generally keep from losing my mind.
25lbs might not seem like a lot. But it makes a big difference in my weight and in my size. I can see the changes. I feel the changes. I feel stronger, more flexible, more fit, more ABLE. I feel better overall about me.
Tonight at derby, the freshies skated 100 laps. I can’t *quite* keep up (I’m not the only one and for once I’m not the slowest one) but I can keep up to one of the women whom I know can do the 25 in 5. AND I skated the entire time. That’s improvement. I’m getting there. I’m looking forward to January and the intermediate program. I’m looking forward to being on the team. I’m looking forward to finally being able to wear my uniform.
Before derby, I was feeling down, feeling low, feeling depressed. I missed Mark with every fibre of my being.
I still miss him. But after pushing myself physically, after making my body move farther and faster than it wanted to, after skating it out… I feel ok. I’m not in the deep dark depression I was. (note to self: I’ve managed my depression with exercise and diet before… must do so again)
Today… it was a good day. Overall. Tomorrow will be another good day. He’s not coming back, but I can make the days good – even when I miss him so much I can’t breathe.
And damn I’m starting to look good 🙂