Tonight marks the start of the Fall 2012 Sea to Sky Sirens Fresh Meat program.
I’m not going to lie. There’s a tiny part of me that feels just the slightest part bitter about being in the fresh meat program.
I squash it though, by reminding myself, “I CHOSE THIS”
I chose this?
I chose to have my husband get sick and die?
I chose to have my life in chaos so that I couldn’t skate or make practices?
I chose this?
Yes. I chose it.
I didn’t choose my husband to get sick. I didn’t choose for him to die. I didn’t choose for my life to be in chaos. I didn’t choose to spend (ok I did choose that) 6 days a week, 8 hours a day in VGH watching my husband fight for life.
What I chose, was what I did with my time.
When the nurses asked me to leave for rounds (which takes about 15 mins) I could have chosen to walk the stairs. I chose not to, much of the time.
When I went for lunch, I could have chosen healthy foods. I chose junk or high fat much of the time.
When I got there, I could have chosen to take the stairs. I chose the elevator.
When I got home, I could have chosen to do something in the mornings or evenings – such as walk my dogs or walk with my kids or ride bikes with my kids. I chose not to.
Don’t get me wrong – depression influenced those choices in many respects. It was the overriding factor in a lot of my day to day decisions. Some days the depression was so overwhelming that I didn’t feel like I had a choice.
Most of the time I did have choices – and I chose accordingly.
So I chose to be in this fresh meat program. I chose, based on my past choices, to not get into shape the way I could have. I chose, based on past choices, to not go to as many practices as I could have. I chose, based on my past choices, to fail the 25 in 5.
Stop. Read that again.
Now read it again.
Understand? The CHOICES I made, resulted in the life I have now.
I had a very good reason in my life to make excuses. I had a very good reason to prioritize my life differently.
But where I am now is the result of choices I made.
I chose to be in the fresh meat program.
So when that little kernel of bitterness pops up… I just have to remind myself. It was my choice. And if I want to be in a different place in December… I will have to make different choices now.
I’m excited for the fresh meat program tonight 🙂 I’m looking forward to seeing what I missed in the past 3 fresh meat sessions I should have been a part of.
I have that choice.