Changing How My Day Starts

My morning typically goes like this:

Get up, whenever I wake up (no alarm these days)

Reheat or make fresh coffee

Sit at computer for at least 3 hours.

Get up to get something to eat.

Contemplate a workout

Feel bad because I don’t work out.

Do something domestic (clean kitchen, do laundry etc)

Back to the computer.

Make dinner.

Back to the computer.

Go to derby (if it’s Tuesday or Thursday) or do craft night (Wed)

Back to the computer.

Go to bed when I’m exhausted enough.

My doctor says I disassociate.  That I don’t *feel* the grief and the sadness because I’m keeping myself separate from the feelings.   He’s right, of course.   I try not to look at pictures of him, I try not to do things that remind me of him.  I try to go to bed when I’m so tired I won’t lay awake thinking of him.   I try not to look at his urn.  The only thing I really focus on is the pendant.

So this computer?  Keeping me from healing.  It’s helping me to avoid feeling.  It’s also helping me to avoid *doing* anything.

As Albert Einstein said: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results”

(I’m fairly insane, by that definition)

So today, I started my day differently.  I got up, and instead of letting the dogs outside, I immediately hooked them up to their leashes. I took them for a 20 minute walk.  (It helped that I needed cream & milk) Previously I would have let them outside and grabbed my car keys and driven over to the store.

Today, I decided to change how my day starts.

My dogs need to be walked.  I need to be walked.  My kids need family activity time.   Things have to change.

So today – I took them for a walk.  Kids are still sleeping, but the plan is to take them for a bike ride down to the river.  Or up around the Ray Peters trail.   But go for fun family stuff.  Maybe we’ll take the dogs for a walk in the forest 🙂

But I changed how my day started.   Today – I choose not to be insane. :p


(picture credit here)


About sunnyjane

On a journey of fitness, health and healing. One blog focuses primarily on health & fitness ( and the other is about my path through widowhood ( Life is a Journey. I'm learning to enjoy the ride.
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One Response to Changing How My Day Starts

  1. stepawayfromthebrownies says:

    That is awesome!! Keep pressing on!

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