I’d like the opportunity to follow through on my plans, please.
I’d like to make plans and my only concern be to either show up on time, or early.
I’d like to have some routine, some predictability, some sanity in my life, please.
I was feeling out of sorts for the past 3 weeks. I was unhappy with myself, my progress in roller derby, my meds were not being taken regularly and overall, I got caught up in negative thinking.
I was feeling unreliable, that I wasn’t really a *part of* the team, that I wasn’t really wanted/needed there.
I got *this* close to quitting roller derby. I got *this* close to just giving up on something that really means a lot to me.
All because I am hard on myself.
I’m really really hard on myself.
I can be a perfectionist. Somewhat OCD (only its CDO – put the letters in the right order dammit!) If I can’t do it right, do it well, do it perfectly, then what’s the point?
Oh and I must be able to do it right, well and perfectly from the START!
Yeah, I’m hard on myself.
My husband has a life-threatening illness, he’s in ICU (again! Dammit!!), and I’ve been off work for 20 weeks. My children are stressed, I’m stressed and I suffer from depression.
But. I should be able to: (in no particular order of importance)
1. Keep a neat and tidy house.
2. Cook home cooked meals every day using wonderfully fresh ingredients
3. Be a good wife and show up at the hospital every day for visiting.
4. Be a good friend and be there for my friends.
5. Pass my skills test (why haven’t I already??? What’s wrong with me?)
6. Be a good pet owner and make sure my pets have the love and attention they need
7. Grow things – my gardens in the back are for veggies and the ones in the front are for flowers. They must be kept up.
8. Stay on top of my kids’ school work and school activities – make sure that they’re doing ok in school.
9. Be the mom who does things with her kids – biking, hiking, baking, games, quiet time together.
10. Show up for every roller derby practice and committee meeting.
11. Fulfill all the commitments I made before my husband got sick.
12. Keep up with the education I need for my license and follow up with clients I have with work (even though I’m not at work and can’t be at work)
13. Cross train. Roller derby is not enough. I need to lose 120 lbs and get fit and healthy.
In my head – I must do all of these things perfectly. And I must do all of these things all of the time.
And I wasn’t. I’m not. It kills me. I have such HIGH expectations of myself and I’m failing miserably. No one can possibly be all that…
So I was at a point of quitting, of feeling like I was a miserable failure because I wasn’t all that, there was no bag of chips and I wasn’t holding it together. And so I almost quit.
Then Saturday. Glorious Saturday. Our first home bout of the season. We won.
I was the penalty wrangler for that bout. I basically ran around the inside of the track, following the action and the refs and making sure penalties called were recorded.
Life was good again. I was riding on the high of being involved with the game and the overwhelming urge to get out there and skate, to be a part of flooded me with happy, determined-to-pass-skillz feelings.
Sunday would be my day. Sunday is the last day of cheats, junk food, crap, alcohol, anything that would hinder my losing weight and getting fast on my skates.
Sunday was the day my husband went back to ICU. Sunday night he was sent for an emergency procedure to stop a bleed. Sunday night I did not sleep.
Monday started off … chaotic – no exercise for me even though I wanted to get started, because I didn’t get out of bed until 7.40am. We were leaving by 8.10 -a nd we managed to pull it off.
Monday I was told that hubby’s bloodwork showed numbers that were “incompatible with life” and that if he stayed the same or improved, he would be “ok” but if he declined, he would be sent for emergency surgery and he likely wouldn’t survive that.
I didn’t sleep much Monday night, either.
Today… I got up late, went for breakfast and headed to the city. Exhausted from 2 nights of no sleep, and serious stress, I opted to stay home with my kids. They needed me. Missed derby practice.
So my plan didn’t work out. I did not get started. My life was derailled.
Hubby’s numbers came down – way down. He’s closer to the normal than he is the danger zone, although he’s still very sick.
His blood pressure is up, he requires less meds to keep it there.
And tomorrow, I’ll start my routine of get up early and exercise and eat healthy.
For this season, although I am excited about the potential to play in a bout with my derby girls – I’m going to stay focused on NSO’ing and possibly reffing if I pass those skills. I’m not going to make passing skills the be all/end all of my derby involvement – it will happen. In the meantime, I’ll show up practice (every chance I get) and try to maintain a routine so that life feels less chaotic.
It’s ok not to be perfect. It’s ok not to do everything. It’s ok just to be in today and today is what it is.