I got lost for a while.
The joys of depression, the chaos of trying to find a new routine in my life, buying into stories I’ve told myself, all contributed to losing my way.
It’s hard to tell sometimes what is depression (and less controllable) and what is just buying into bullshit.
I have accepted a victim role for a long time. I have accepted that I am a smaller person, less important, less smart, less worthy for a long time.
On a side note, I think that’s cost me some potentially awesome friendships. I can’t be sure, and I’m hoping that there’s still time to build those friendships, but the feeling is there.
So it’s hard to tell if I’m falling back into the habit of being less than, not good enough and allowing myself to get caught up in the victim role, or if the depression is just that overwhelming.
I haven’t done any formal *exercise* in the past 2 weeks. I haven’t gotten up early enough to work out, I haven’t done the stairs at the hospital, I haven’t gone to roller derby.
However, I’ve decluttered a portion of my house, moved some furniture between floors, and finished my greenhouse (I have plant babies!!! YAY!!)
But I got lost. I stopped asking my friend to let me know when she’s going for a walk/run, I stopped caring what I ate, and I stopped drinking water.
I stopped blogging.
I read another blog that talked about following your passion. Doing something that fires you up, that you’re excited to get up in the morning.
I realized I don’t have much passion. Is this depression? Or is it just my life? Again, I’m lost.
Does anyone have a map?
Time to make small changes. I need to take a few steps in a different direction – the path I’m following. The path I’m following will keep me lost.
The fun is trying to figure out which way I’m going. I certainly don’t like the path I’m on, and I don’t like the destination I can see in front of me, and I’m not going back to where I came from (I’m pretty sure that they’re the same place LOL)
I’m going to try to live by this:
And start today with a bit of motivation. I still love bodyrock.tv, but my focus will be on more roller derby specific workouts from this website.
Along with cross training of taking the dogs out for a run, riding bikes with my boys, doing my stairs and some fun video games (my kid gets a kinect for his birthday today!!), I’m going to motivate myself every day to just do something.
I’m going to create a plan, create a path that I want to walk on, and look for my daily motivation to get there.
After all, its about the journey 🙂 Not the destination :p