Depression… well, depresses

I’m fairly open about myself.  I will answer any and all questions posed to me – the real question is… do you want the answers? :p

Here’s the problem with depression:

It depresses you. (*gasp* *shock* *amazement* *disbelief*)

I know, right?

What do you mean DEPRESSion DEPRESSes you?

Well, for me, that means a couple different things.

It means I’m sad.  It means I cry a lot.  It means I get angry easily.  It means I have this slow, simmering irritation that comes out sideways at the people I love.  It means I have no interest in things that I love – my hobbies, my sports.  It means I don’t want to leave my house, my bedroom, my couch.

So my doctor puts me on this medication, designed to help me with that.  And it works.

I’m still sad, but I’m not AS sad.  I cry but not AS much.  I don’t get angry as easily.  The slow simmering irritation is reserved for special occasions (like Easter, when I was making dinner, celebrating with friends and my husband ISN’T THERE)

The problem though, is while it controls my emotions – it doesn’t do much for my desire to do anything.

My house is still a mess.

I start my day making excuses why I can’t go to roller derby.

I don’t get up early enough to exercise.

I don’t take opportunities to exercise in the evening.

I go to bed about 10 minutes after my kids do, unless someone is at my house.

In short – the stuff about depression that I hate – the depressed, not interested in life part – is still there.

It may be that I need a different medication.  It may be that I need a higher dose of medication.

It may be that I just need to start.

I wonder about that – depression is a cyclical thing.  I am depressed.  I sit on my couch.  I sleep.  I lay and do nothing because I am depressed and I feel that I *can’t*

So I feel bad about not doing that stuff that needs to be done, that I like doing, that my kids need me to do.

And then I feel more depressed.

And I can’t.

And I feel bad about the “I can’t*

And then I feel more depressed.

And I can’t.

And then I feel…

See what I mean?  Cycles of depression.

So what if I step off the merry-go-round?   Its a matter of forcing myself TO do it.

Forcing myself to ignore the excuses and go to practice.  Forcing myself to reach out and go out for coffee with friends.  Forcing myself to take a day to find my house and create a peaceful, joyful place to be.

I wonder – will that make a difference?  Or will I just be sucked back into the depression when I stop doing whatever it is I got off that merry-go-round to do… ?

I don’t know.  Today is an experiment in stepping off the depression merry-go-round and doing.

There will be exercise.

There will be a clean and tidy house.

There will be skating if the weather allows.

There will be crafting.

There will be a healthy dinner cooked at the appropriate time; all of us sitting down together to eat.

There may even be some furniture moving.

And there will be no beating myself up or feeling guilty if I don’t get some of that done.

There will be acceptance of what is, today.

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About sunnyjane

On a journey of fitness, health and healing. One blog focuses primarily on health & fitness (sunnyjane.wordpress.com) and the other is about my path through widowhood (widowspath.wordpress.com) Life is a Journey. I'm learning to enjoy the ride.
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One Response to Depression… well, depresses

  1. Sierra says:

    I can so relate what you are saying here! Sometimes, people figure we can just “snap out of it” and trust me, if I could I would! I seem to do better when the weather is warmer and I can garden. So happy for you! Embracing one day at a time 🙂 Have a great day!

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