Mish-mash & derby & dammit I broke a nail!!

Warning:  This may not be a totally cohesive post given that I have a lot going on in my head right now.   I will try to keep it in some sort of order, but no guarantees.

Let me try to start this at the beginning.

4 weeks ago I decided not to go to a derby practice. I was in Christmas rush panick, and I had family and friends over all the time and so derby got dropped.  That started a 4 week derby hiatus.

I was feeling poorly about my skillz, comparing myself against the amazing new fresh meat, just feeling in general like I was not good enough and WTF was I thinking joining when I’m in such poor shape?

I love roller derby.  I love the physicality of it.  I love the athleticism of it.  I love that its for women, by women and all about empowering women.   (I am really looking forward to playing co-ed bouts – there’s this part of me that has always wanted to play with the boys) 🙂

Even though I love roller derby, I was feeling badly enough about myself to wonder if I really should play, if I should just drop it for a while until I get myself in shape.

The answer, my friends, is NOT blowing in the wind, the answer is NO, I will not drop roller derby.  It is my passion.  Even when my back is screaming at me, I can’t feel my left foot and sweat is running into my eyes, I still want to go again!

So at the beginning of January there was a bodyrock.tv challenge.  I pushed myself for about 6 days.  I challenged other people.  I started to make excuses. I didn’t get up in time.  And I haven’t kept my promise to myself.

I hate not keeping my promises.

Fear and loathing in Jane’s Head – that’s what my theme feels like.  I wish, just for one second, I could see myself as others see me.  I wish just for one second, I could hear the things said about me when I’m not around.   Because despite all my best efforts, I feel badly about myself a lot of the time. I feel badly when I can’t keep up.  I feel badly when I watch new players (who are all clearly athletes and previously have skated or skied) surpass me in skills in short order.  I feel badly when I have to stop YET AGAIN.

So just to remind myself:

1. I keep getting up and keep trying again.
2. I show up.
3. I will progress at the pace I will progress at.  Just as I can’t lose weight any faster than I can lose weight, I can’t get better any faster than I am.
4. I AM getting better.  I AM getting faster.
5. Eventually internal confidence will outweigh and overwhelm the need for external validation.

Speaking of external validation…

A few of the vets on my team have made a point of telling me when I’ve done well.  (I almost put done good.  Fuck I have WAY better grammar than that).   I want/need to feel good enough about myself that I don’t NEED to hear that anymore.     Having someone encourage (in boot camp style) me to keep going, to keep pushing… fucking awesome.  Having someone telling me that I can take a hit, that I can hold the line, that I will be an awesome blocker… gives me that push to keep going when I’m feeling down.   I love these women.  They rock!

I’m so glad I skated today.

I haven’t skated in 4 weeks – but I’ve done enough to keep me at “almost” the level I was at before – PLUS my body didn’t hurt as badly as quickly.   I will continue the bodyrock as cross training… it is doing something awesome for me.

And yeah.  I broke a nail.  Right about when Steamin’ Seeman fell and someone else fell and I fell over both of them.  Broke a freaking nail.   But apparently when all that happened – I was doing what I was supposed to do.

The inside line?  That’s my spot.  Stay out of my spot.   That’s MY spot. No one sits in my spot.

Yeah – I’m gonna be the Sheldon of the Sirens when it comes to that inside line. 🙂


About sunnyjane

On a journey of fitness, health and healing. One blog focuses primarily on health & fitness (sunnyjane.wordpress.com) and the other is about my path through widowhood (widowspath.wordpress.com) Life is a Journey. I'm learning to enjoy the ride.
This entry was posted in BodyRock.tv, Exercise, Fitness, Roller Derby, Self-esteem and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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