Warning: This may not be a totally cohesive post given that I have a lot going on in my head right now. I will try to keep it in some sort of order, but no guarantees.
Let me try to start this at the beginning.
4 weeks ago I decided not to go to a derby practice. I was in Christmas rush panick, and I had family and friends over all the time and so derby got dropped. That started a 4 week derby hiatus.
I was feeling poorly about my skillz, comparing myself against the amazing new fresh meat, just feeling in general like I was not good enough and WTF was I thinking joining when I’m in such poor shape?
I love roller derby. I love the physicality of it. I love the athleticism of it. I love that its for women, by women and all about empowering women. (I am really looking forward to playing co-ed bouts – there’s this part of me that has always wanted to play with the boys) 🙂
Even though I love roller derby, I was feeling badly enough about myself to wonder if I really should play, if I should just drop it for a while until I get myself in shape.
The answer, my friends, is NOT blowing in the wind, the answer is NO, I will not drop roller derby. It is my passion. Even when my back is screaming at me, I can’t feel my left foot and sweat is running into my eyes, I still want to go again!
So at the beginning of January there was a bodyrock.tv challenge. I pushed myself for about 6 days. I challenged other people. I started to make excuses. I didn’t get up in time. And I haven’t kept my promise to myself.
I hate not keeping my promises.
Fear and loathing in Jane’s Head – that’s what my theme feels like. I wish, just for one second, I could see myself as others see me. I wish just for one second, I could hear the things said about me when I’m not around. Because despite all my best efforts, I feel badly about myself a lot of the time. I feel badly when I can’t keep up. I feel badly when I watch new players (who are all clearly athletes and previously have skated or skied) surpass me in skills in short order. I feel badly when I have to stop YET AGAIN.
So just to remind myself:
1. I keep getting up and keep trying again.
2. I show up.
3. I will progress at the pace I will progress at. Just as I can’t lose weight any faster than I can lose weight, I can’t get better any faster than I am.
4. I AM getting better. I AM getting faster.
5. Eventually internal confidence will outweigh and overwhelm the need for external validation.
Speaking of external validation…
A few of the vets on my team have made a point of telling me when I’ve done well. (I almost put done good. Fuck I have WAY better grammar than that). I want/need to feel good enough about myself that I don’t NEED to hear that anymore. Having someone encourage (in boot camp style) me to keep going, to keep pushing… fucking awesome. Having someone telling me that I can take a hit, that I can hold the line, that I will be an awesome blocker… gives me that push to keep going when I’m feeling down. I love these women. They rock!
I’m so glad I skated today.
I haven’t skated in 4 weeks – but I’ve done enough to keep me at “almost” the level I was at before – PLUS my body didn’t hurt as badly as quickly. I will continue the bodyrock as cross training… it is doing something awesome for me.
And yeah. I broke a nail. Right about when Steamin’ Seeman fell and someone else fell and I fell over both of them. Broke a freaking nail. But apparently when all that happened – I was doing what I was supposed to do.
The inside line? That’s my spot. Stay out of my spot. That’s MY spot. No one sits in my spot.
Yeah – I’m gonna be the Sheldon of the Sirens when it comes to that inside line. 🙂