Depression is a cycle that kills…

How’s that for a cheery-type headline???

But seriously.  The depression cycle is insidious.   It starts by feeling blue.

You’re sitting there, somewhat down about … <insert reason here>  and so you self medicate.

For some people, this means alcohol.  For some, this means drugs.  For some, this means watching B-movies or horrible late night tv.  For me… and a lot of other people, it means eating.

Using me as the example… the slight blah leads to food… ice cream, chips, chocolate… after all, I DO feel better when I eat these things… No, really, I do…  See?  I’m not making this shit up.  I feel depressed, mad, frustrated, and I eat my favourite food and *BAM*  my drug of choice has kicked in.

Ahhhh sweet endorphins.  Life is good.

Oh wait.  WTF? What did I just do?   I did something I don’t WANT to do.  I ate the crap that keeps me fat. Shit. Now I feel like crap.

The joy of it is, when I’m in that cycle, I don’t exercise or DO anything else.  I’m the proverbial lump on a log.   I just sit.  I surf the web while munching on chips, I flip channels while devouring my ice cream.

Then I get tired.  So I go to bed early.  But when I’m depressed-ate-too-much-crap-and-now-feel-like-shit-about-me tired, I don’t get up in the morning for my workout.

I go through my day beating myself up over why I didn’t get up, why I didn’t do my workout, why I can’t just GET IT and then I get home.  I have my dinner, I do my evening stuff, and then I think about my day and whatever was pissing me off yesterday probably hasn’t gone away… PLUS I ate crap, PLUS I didn’t work out, and holy fucking hell, I feel horrible.

Ahhhh sweet endorphins.

Fuck it happened again?!?!??!!

See the cycle?

This is a mild depression.  This isn’t lock-myself-in-my-bedroom, sleep-18-hours-a-day, wonder-if-life-is-worth-living depression that requires medication, its just a run of the mill, I-have-low-self-esteem and feel-bad-about-myself depression that I *usually* manage well with diet and exercise.

Its a cycle though.  Its a cycle that will keep me fat, keep raising my risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke and generally crappy short life.  Its a killing cycle.

The thing is, I don’t really realize that I’m in it until its been 2 weeks or so that I haven’t worked out, I’ve missed derby practices, and getting off my couch is physically painful because of back and hip issues.


At 38? I’m having back and hip issues simply because of my lifestyle?

Yeah.  I’m killing myself… slowly.

I got a lot of stuff done today – I’m about 95% done my Christmas crafts/gifts.  I wish I’d stopped for 2 hours and gone skating though… maybe I’d have more energy to swap out the toilets I need to right now.   Or maybe I’d just feel good about myself.  Or maybe I’d be beating myself up for not getting the hand crafted gifts done.

But I’d have good endorphins going through my body instead of the “ugh-I’m-so-full-I-want-to-burst” feeling that I have right now.

I watched a movie last night and a line stuck with me… “…when you get in a fight, it wasn’t whether or not you get knocked down. It’s what you do when you get back up…”

Time to get back up.  Again.


About sunnyjane

On a journey of fitness, health and healing. One blog focuses primarily on health & fitness ( and the other is about my path through widowhood ( Life is a Journey. I'm learning to enjoy the ride.
This entry was posted in Fitness, Health, Self-esteem, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Depression is a cycle that kills…

  1. shortshoestring says:

    We all have to climb our mountains one step at a time. Recognizing that you have a mountain is the beginning. Then you find the stairs. Then you start climbing. Every once in a while you stop to rest. Sometimes you even go back down a step or two. But then you re-group and start climbing again. You’ll get to the top! In the meantime, I’m not going to finish off the cookies tonight. Thanks for saving me!

  2. I made Marko read this post. After a tear-filled “confession” a few days before, about how much I’m struggling right now. From sunrise to sunset is 7 and a half hours. Most of the day is dark. Not to mention that we’ve been having cloudy, stormy days, so even “daylight hours” are dusky.
    It really kicks me to the ground. 😦
    The depression is all-consuming and as you noted, the food (bad carbs) are already digesting before I catch myself. Working out? Yeah-right.
    I did get my arm workout in today. But, it’s been so long since I could even safely walk down our driveway-much less the road… It’s been months since cardio was an option.

    I’m sorry you’re struggling-I’m so thankful you shared and I’m so glad you are still struggling against the undertow. HUGS!

    • sunnyjane says:

      Knowing that I’m not alone, that other people are struggling too, that how I feel is NOT unique… that makes baring my soul worth it.

      (((HUGS))) to you too. I would suggest the tabata thing I did today as a “cardio” option. Its a HIIT training technique that if you do it 1 or 2 or 3 times a day – you get your heart rate up, you burn fat and even though its not a full “cardio” workout, you still burn calories.

      Its in this post where I most recently referenced it. I did squats this morning…. 🙂

  3. I did squats with my arm workout today. 🙂 We don’t have television-so i can’t access any of the workout tv programs and the internet is too slow to load videos as a rule of thumb.
    I’m bugging Mark to get things set up so I can at least do my workout videos-two of them have cardio work on them. 😉 HOPEFULLY-that will be set up tonight or tomorrow. FINGERS CROSSED.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s