How’s that for a cheery-type headline???
But seriously. The depression cycle is insidious. It starts by feeling blue.
You’re sitting there, somewhat down about … <insert reason here> and so you self medicate.
For some people, this means alcohol. For some, this means drugs. For some, this means watching B-movies or horrible late night tv. For me… and a lot of other people, it means eating.
Using me as the example… the slight blah leads to food… ice cream, chips, chocolate… after all, I DO feel better when I eat these things… No, really, I do… See? I’m not making this shit up. I feel depressed, mad, frustrated, and I eat my favourite food and *BAM* my drug of choice has kicked in.
Ahhhh sweet endorphins. Life is good.
Oh wait. WTF? What did I just do? I did something I don’t WANT to do. I ate the crap that keeps me fat. Shit. Now I feel like crap.
The joy of it is, when I’m in that cycle, I don’t exercise or DO anything else. I’m the proverbial lump on a log. I just sit. I surf the web while munching on chips, I flip channels while devouring my ice cream.
Then I get tired. So I go to bed early. But when I’m depressed-ate-too-much-crap-and-now-feel-like-shit-about-me tired, I don’t get up in the morning for my workout.
I go through my day beating myself up over why I didn’t get up, why I didn’t do my workout, why I can’t just GET IT and then I get home. I have my dinner, I do my evening stuff, and then I think about my day and whatever was pissing me off yesterday probably hasn’t gone away… PLUS I ate crap, PLUS I didn’t work out, and holy fucking hell, I feel horrible.
Ahhhh sweet endorphins.
Fuck it happened again?!?!??!!
See the cycle?
This is a mild depression. This isn’t lock-myself-in-my-bedroom, sleep-18-hours-a-day, wonder-if-life-is-worth-living depression that requires medication, its just a run of the mill, I-have-low-self-esteem and feel-bad-about-myself depression that I *usually* manage well with diet and exercise.
Its a cycle though. Its a cycle that will keep me fat, keep raising my risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke and generally crappy short life. Its a killing cycle.
The thing is, I don’t really realize that I’m in it until its been 2 weeks or so that I haven’t worked out, I’ve missed derby practices, and getting off my couch is physically painful because of back and hip issues.
At 38? I’m having back and hip issues simply because of my lifestyle?
Yeah. I’m killing myself… slowly.
I got a lot of stuff done today – I’m about 95% done my Christmas crafts/gifts. I wish I’d stopped for 2 hours and gone skating though… maybe I’d have more energy to swap out the toilets I need to right now. Or maybe I’d just feel good about myself. Or maybe I’d be beating myself up for not getting the hand crafted gifts done.
But I’d have good endorphins going through my body instead of the “ugh-I’m-so-full-I-want-to-burst” feeling that I have right now.
I watched a movie last night and a line stuck with me… “…when you get in a fight, it wasn’t whether or not you get knocked down. It’s what you do when you get back up…”
Time to get back up. Again.