One of those hard, almost knocked the wind out of me falls. Its the 3rd or 4th time I’ve fallen like that. The first time I fell flat on my back – completely knocked the wind out of me and hit my head hard enough to make me a bit dizzy.
I’ve learned. Twist my body and fall on my side – at least I can use my padding to absorb SOME of the impact. 270lbs of weight falling is NOT gentle. It hurts. It leaves me breathless.
But I continue to fall.
For those of you with kids… remember when they were just on the verge of walking? How they’d fall over and over and over and over… get miserable, and fall again? How they spent so much time just falling? And then one day… *poof* they were running across the room it seemed?
I continue to fall.
Each time I fall down, I’m in the middle of learning something new. The first time (and this time) it was crossovers. The first time, though – I let my fear get the better of me – and I stopped trying. I didn’t want to fall again. It HURT. It knocked the wind out of me. It rattled my brains. It was scary. I didn’t want to do it again. So I stopped pushing myself.
And then I was out skating with someone else, trying to learn something new… and I fell again. Not as hard, but still… it hurt. And I got scared again.
Tonight…. I fell. Crossovers are the bane of my skating existence – I have convinced myself that I can’t do them because of my size.
FUCK THAT SHIT.
There are bigger girls than me who do crossovers with grace and skill.
So tonight – roller disco – I’m practicing crossovers. With each corner, each swing of my leg, I’m repeating over and over and over… “I’m going to fucking do this. I can do this.”
And I was getting it. I almost had it. Not graceful, not pretty, but legs crossing, pushing from both feet, and almost there.
Then I fell.
And I sat there, thinking… again? Really? As I tried to catch my breath.
So I got up, skated towards the seats. Sat for a minute. Thought about stopping. After all – it was 8.50 – roller disco was over in 10 mins, its a reasonable time to stop, right?
FUCK THAT SHIT.
I got out there and did a couple more laps. I pushed through those corners with my graceless crossovers. And then realized my legs were turning to jelly, but I did MORE.
I almost have crossovers beat. I will probably fall a couple more times before I do. But I will get them.
If I’m not falling – I’m not improving. Its only by taking chances, by being willing to fall, that I know I’m getting better. Tonight, my skills improved slightly.
It was a VERY good night.