There’s something incredibly humiliating about not being able to shop for clothing. About having to go to 2nd hand stores all the time and *hope* that someone as large as you lost weight and you can wear their castoffs.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against 2nd hand shopping – its the best when you have kids – you can buy in bulk because you know they’re going to wear out the clothes faster than you can replace them. I’ve found numerous cute outfits for myself at 2nd hand stores.
But when you live in a town that caters to the 0-16 sizes…. finding something appropriate to wear is discouraging at best, and humiliating at worst.
I need new jeans. I have 2 pair. One is a pair that’s slightly too small, but fit perfectly after half an hour because they’ve stretched out. Those jeans are of the pre-ripped, I’m too cool for the world variety. They are not appropriate for the office on jeans’ days (Friday and Saturdays)
The other pair is the only pair I could find at Walmart that fit me properly… only they don’t – they’re petite, so they are slightly too short for me. THESE jeans fit me perfectly for about 2 seconds when I put them on. Then they can be slid on and off without undoing the buttons. So not really comfortable to wear at the office.
We’re not going to get into office wear in this post… it amounts to the same thing.
But a perfect pair of jeans… regardless of size, if I find a perfect pair of jeans, I feel sexxy and confident and GOOD about myself.
I haven’t had a perfect pair of jeans in a few years. I feel frumpy and sloppy and unattractive.
These are the moments when I look at my body and wonder… Liposuction? Lap band surgery? Anorexia?
I won’t resort to extreme measures. I am a firm believer in doing this the healthy way. Eat healthy, exercise, and I will end up height and weight proportionate. I won’t follow a “diet” or cut out a major food group to lose weight. I won’t get on the latest fad bandwagon. But it is oh so fucking tempting when I watch other people do it.
I know that the results will be skinny, but not healthy. Fad diets will put my body into a state of shock, lower my resistance to whatever is going around and make me feel unhealthy. But I’ll be skinny.
Today, I’m not feeling good about myself, or my body, or how I look. Today, I just want to be skinny enough to buy a pair of jeans off the rack, from any store I choose.