What the hell? Why am I fat??

I was cute and skinny once.  Well, not skinny, I’ve never been *skinny* the way I see other people being skinny.

I was height/weight proportionate though.  I had a flat tummy, and great curves.

We all have those pivotal moments in our lives that stick with us.  Those times that we look back on and say “Hey, thats when THIS changed for me or that’s when THAT changed for me.”

My first pivotal moment regarding my weight was when I was about 12.   My mom was in TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) and took me to her weekly meeting.   I was 5’6″ and when I stepped on the scale it read 120lbs.

Sounds reasonable, right?   I was an active 12 year old who liked to climb trees and rough house with the boys.  I liked building forts and being girly and overall, I was happy with my life.

And then the horror arrived.  The shock at how *much* I weighed.  The panic that I was *overweight* and in need of *fixing*

That’s the moment I stopped being ok with my size.

I don’t remember if I was put on a diet at that point… but I do remember always having that in the back of my mind – that I was fat at 120lbs.

For 25 years, I have been unhappy with my body.  It wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t skinny enough.  I wasn’t ok just being me.

A co-worker asked me what the hell, was I drunk putting up that picture of me at my current weight?

No – this is just me, learning to love myself as I am, for who I am – including the fat belly, stretch marks, scars and wrinkles.

I’ll never get back to 120lbs.  And I don’t care.  I want to be fit enough to play with my kids, go bike riding, skiing and hiking and keep UP to them.  I want to set a good example.  I want to go fishing with my husband.   I can’t do that at 275lbs.  Not comfortably.  But I will be comfortable with ME.

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About sunnyjane

On a journey of fitness, health and healing. One blog focuses primarily on health & fitness (sunnyjane.wordpress.com) and the other is about my path through widowhood (widowspath.wordpress.com) Life is a Journey. I'm learning to enjoy the ride.
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